LOS ANGELES, April 23, 2012 – I am now officially on the Obama follows, er, enemies list.
On March 21st, 2012, I received an email saying that I had a new Twitter follower. The first day of Spring apparently is not a good day for Twitter, and this was no Vernal Equinox greeting.
The follower said that they represented the Obama for American reelection team in Florida. Initially I figured this was just some random college student not realizing that the 2008 election truly messed up America.
Yet upon closer observation, this new follower was the official Florida Obama campaign operation.
“Obama for America FL @OFA_FL is now following you (@TYGRRRREXPRESS).”
“OFA_FL Obama for America FL— Official Obama for America- Florida Account. Follow us for updates on 2012 campaign action, learn about events, and connect with other supporters.
Florida 6,823 Tweets 12,014 Following 12,024 Followers”
So the Obama campaign is following about as many people as are following them. They are watching us - you and I. I wonder how many folks are employed, or volunteer, to read and report what his twelve-thousand followers (which is a pathetic number, don’t you think) are thinking, posting, tweeting?
Given my undeniably (self) important role in society, one critical question needs to be asked of President Obama and his campaign team.
Don’t you have anything better to do?
Are we really at the point in society where the leader of the free world is threatened by some conservative writer in a small corner of a city 3,000 miles from the White House? Or anyone else for that matter.
Is Ted Nugent really a threat? The last time I checked neither my income or status level put me in the company of Ted, Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity.
I am “just a guy.”
President Obama, the world is on fire. Iran is building a nuclear bomb that it will use to blow up the word. Syria is murdering its own citizens in the street. The dollar is crashing, unemployment remains high, and violent leftist Occupy Wall Street protesters are contributing to the decay of major American cities.
From Afghanistan to Detroit, there is despair. The GSA is wasting money faster than the potential love child of Jon Corzine and Lady Solyndra. One could say the money is being wasted ‘fast and furious’ (pun fully intended).
With all of this going on Mr. President, do you really need to monitor me? Shouldn’t you get your own house in order and then fix America’s problems before bothering some young, single, Jewish alpha male whose greatest transgression is a healthy appetite for the opposite sex?
Mr. Obama, my calendar of public appearances is here for your review. Study it thoroughly. No, I have nothing to hide. No, I do not need to get over myself.
In light of full public disclosure:
My first action upon learning of my monitoring status was to eat lunch. A pastrami sandwich with mustard was delicious. I was tempted to mail a copy of my lunch to the White House so they could inspect it, but the only way they would appreciate the symbolism would be if I sent a spoiled hot dog.
In case the Secret Service is interested, I have never sent anything to the President, nor would I unless he sent me a self-addressed stamped envelope and begged me to do so. If he sent me a request for money, begging would not suffice.
As for the Secret Service, they have bigger problems than me to worry about right now.
In case the Obama administration cares about my private life, the way to avoid being blackmailed is to just disclose everything. I am 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. My commitment to celibacy as a high school student was not due to religious convictions.
The ladies just preferred men who were not me, except in rare cases that still make me quite grateful.
Thankfully when I turned twenty the ladies liked me much more. I did have awesome 1980s style glam rocker hair. That had to be it. Anyway, I am sure there are allegations about me by disgruntled ex-girlfriends.
Oh, and rumors that I gave a spanking to a political candidate during her campaign are completely true. She was hot, and needed a good paddling.
If anyone is taking pictures of me in my jacuzzi with a Republican Jewish brunette, don’t bother boring me with blackmail threats. Just post the pictures and make sure to photoshop out any flab I may have developed from my stubborn refusal to go to a gym.
That’s right, Mr. Obama. I don’t work out. This makes me less of a parasite on the healthcare system than guys like you who smoke.
I also watch one trashy television program, that being Desperate Housewives. Perhaps my pursuits should be more lofty given that the world is burning, but then again that analogy should apply even more to the dilettante running this country into the ground.
Now, and with all due respect, please get the heck out of my business. I would tell you to mind your own business, but apparently you do not have any. You long ago stopped governing.
For this and so many other reasons, firing you in November would really make my year.
As for being on your official enemies list, all I can say is that I don’t care much for you either.
The only difference is I do not spend my time monitoring you.
Unlike you sir, I have better things to do. I have a real job with actual responsibilities.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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