LOS ANGELES, April 19, 2012 — For those who have strange hobbies such as golf or burning the Koran, it may be time for new recreational activities. Golf is boring and burning the Koran just leads to problems.
On a personal level, burning anybody’s holy book is a form of bigotry. Yet all religions are not created equal in terms of the behaviors of its most ardent zealots. Christians write protest letters and wave signs. Jews pray for peace. Buddhists meditate. Even environmentalists occasionally react to being aggrieved in a calm, peaceful manner.
The most violent peace activists do not reach the level of bloodthirsty insanity of our warm, furry Islamofascist friends in the Middle East.
While burning the Koran makes Islamists angry, they have little credibility because everything makes them angry. Saying Islamists are angry is akin to implying the wetness of water.
While some Americans want to coddle screaming, murderous Islamofacists in the name of diversity, multi-culturalism, and other discredited ideas, normal Americans have developed an affliction known as “Islamist sympathy fatigue.”
Those with this affliction understand that burning inanimate objects is not akin to burning actual live people. Flushing a book down a toilet is not the same as hacking off heads and limbs. Even one madman killing 16 individuals is not analogous to an entire virulent strain of a religion that flew airplanes into the Twin Towers and murdered 3,000 Americans.
So for those who really are spoiling for a fight with these Islamists without descending to their level, some good, old-fashioned mocking is in order.
It started with my displaying a picture of a half-naked picture of Muhammad with a goat. As people can see, this controversy and the ensuing riots were much ado about nothing.
Then there was my declaration that I am Muhammad. Since nobody has ever truly seen Muhammad, this cannot be disproved. Therefore, the leader of the entire group of Islamists is now Jewish. Anybody disputing my reign gets a Fatwa.
Finally, it is time to take the most serious steps necessary to put the Islamists in their place.
It is time to burn a copy of the Curren.
Some people choose to burn the Koran. Others choose to burn the Quran, since Islamists now want everything spelled with a “Q” to confuse people. Jihadists are not the best and brightest. Anyway, forget the Koran, the Quran, or rock group Korn.
Everybody should burn the Curren.
The date for the global Curren burning will take place on July 22nd, the anniversary of his highest AP ranking (#5 in 1985).
He was chosen because he had a history of being a troublemaker on the court who constantly disrespected the game.
(Actually, he was fairly non-controversial.)
His pronouncements on political issues frequently landed him in hot water.
(There is no record of him ever discussing anything in his tennis press conferences outside of tennis.)
At no time has he ever exclaimed that he supported the Prophet Muhammad. Therefore, like the other six billion infidels on this planet, his image must be burned as a blasphemer.
Only an apology from Curren for failing to address controversies he had nothing to do with will satisfy the wrath of those calling for the burning. That and an apology for losing the 1985 Men’s Final should suffice.
In addition to Mr. Curren, anything within a slight phonetic resemblance will also be considered evil and worthy of destruction.
All infidels are immediately instructed to burn images of Corona Beer, the town of Coram, New York, on Long Island (terrible place), Current TV, and all copies of the Steve Winwood song “Kyrie.” All Curren supporters must cease and desist.
Anyone with an image of Kevin Curren drinking a Corona shall burn these images immediately or be subjected to lashes faster than one can cry out for the god of L’Oreal.
If all of these actions against Mr. Curren fail to calm the Islamofascists, then there will be only one other viable solution. Rather than burn images of the Curren, it may be necessary just to kill the Islamists themselves. The ACLU may complain, but they are such sissies that they would probably declare Curren burning a hate crime and a new virulent strain of anti-immigrant tenniphobia.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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