LOS ANGELES, October 25, 2011—President Obama and Vice President Joseph Biden keep threatening us with doomsday. They are not the first.
In the 1980s, televangelist Oral Roberts claimed that if he did not receive 4.5 million dollars in donations, God was going to “call him home.” Donations flowed in to his television ministry surpassing the targeted goal and, miracle of miracles, Mr. Roberts lived.
A few years later a tire executive claimed that if he did not sell $80,000 worth of radials within a few weeks, God was going to call him home as well. He only sold $68,000 worth of tires, but miracle of miracles, he lived anyway.
Earlier this year Americans were told that May 21st of 2011 was the “End of Days.” While it was Armed Services Day, it was not the final day. Apparently the statistical model was guilty of a rounding error. It was fixed, the day duly recalculated to October 21, but here we are.
So while the Apocalypse, Armageddon, and all their deadly serious cousins are fun to play around with, Americans are being told that the world will end unless God’s chosen son Barack Obama gets everything he wants all the time.
Barack Obama was the cherub who was going to part the heavens and open up the skies. Yet three years later we are told that this will only happen if his jobs bill passes. To prove how unimportant the legislation actually is, Joe “Barney Fife” Biden has been dispatched to argue its “merits.”
That way when this inevitably fails, Obama can finally shove his Vice President into the corner with the dunce cap.
But that isn’t as bad as what will happen to America if the ugly second-coming-of-the-stimulus fails to become law. President Obama and Vice President Biden did not want to scare us, but now everything is on the line. If this bill does not pass immediately, there will be an unimaginable increase in…
Americans have been forewarned. Hyperbole will go through the roof if this bill is not passed. Those who think that Big Ears and Noodle Noggin (thank you Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain) will stop talking are sadly mistaken. These men have only just begun to talk!
They will blather. They will babble! They will bray! They will huff, and puff, and blow our houses down, and then blame Republicans for failing to put construction workers back to work rebuilding them.
Don’t test these men. They will talk. They mean business. What they mean by business is not actually producing goods or providing services, but discussing things until those on the listening end are prepared to hang themselves provided the rope is regulation size.
Congress had better pass the Obama jobs bill now because the alternative is too desperate to contemplate. There might not be an increase in rapes or murders, but there will be neverending speeches about it. The Earth will not freeze or burn, but Americans will be forced to listen to why it will.
Americans defeated Communism, Fascism, and Nazism, but even we are not prepared for the Lefty Talkasaurus.
Failing to pass this bill will lead to more presidential and vice presidential carbon dioxide, which will destroy innocent Americans by slowly and cruelly boring them to death.
So Republicans, please don’t be heartless. Don’t let Americans die from being exposed to radioactive levels of gaseous liberal toxins.
Joe Biden will never run out of words. Even if he did, he would plagiarize Neil Kinnock. The man may never stop talking. Giving in to his demands is the only solutions.
Senate Minority Leader McConnell of Kentucky tried to add an amendment to the bill to make all Joe Biden speeches categorized as torture and subjected to the Geneva Convention, but Harry Reid defeated the amendment. Naturally this was done by a filibuster.
So for the sake of children and elderly people everywhere, please pretend to support the Obama jobs bill. Then Joe Biden can be sent to a funeral overseas and confuse it with a ribbon cutting ceremony. Rumor has it the Libyans could use a battle cry right about now.
Once Biden is overseas we can go back to discussing the bill on its lack of merits. Yet while Blowhard Joe is on American soil, none of us are safe.
Obama and Biden may never be able to walk the walk, but they sure can talk and talk. Unless God gives them laryngitis, there is no hope and nothing will change.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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