LOS ANGELES, October 18, 2011—When Barack Obama descended from heaven and Messianically (invented word combining Messianic and maniacally) announced that “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for,” liberals literally swooned in his presence. He was a combination of Socrates, Solomon and Adonis, more feminine than Joy Behar but less angry than Paul Krugman. He was Will Smith except more cool.
Yet the one thing that he was not now, then or ever, was new.
His pigmentation was different from previous presidents, which to liberals meant he was special. Conservatives understood that while he did have a different ratio of melanin content, his outer coat hid an inner layer of nothingness. At his core was no core. There was no there there. Liberals called him “post-modern,” which conservatives understand translates into shallow, substanceless, nothingness.
Liberals looked at the box and saw Crayola. Conservatives heard his platitudes and recognized cr@pola.
He had an unusual middle name, Hussein. BHO was Barack Hussein Obama, while he deserved to be called BHMO. He was Barack Hannah Montana Obama, an adorable little cherub not prepared for the adult world.
In reality he was just Barry Sotero. He was a slacker, a stoner, and a guy whose hobbies growing up included “chilling out,” “hanging out,” and getting his Otis Redding on by “Sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time.”
This does not make him a bad guy. What it does make him is ordinary. In fact, picture the guys in college sitting down in the stairwell after enjoying some recreational pharmaceuticals. They are trying to sound intelligent. They think they are being deep, worldly, cool, and meaningful. They are actually quite boring.
Therefore, it is time to call Barack Obama by his real name.
He is now Barack Hussein Mondale Dukakis Gore Kerry Sotero Obama.
Let’s add another name to his list. He is also Zonker.
Smug liberals (redundant) worship hate speech disguised as a cartoon known as Doonesbury. Written by Gary Trudeau, who is every bit as pompous as his French-sounding surname, the purpose of Doonesbury is to demonize conservatives and Republicans. Yet the only likable character in the strip is an easygoing slacker named Zonker. “The Zonk” is just coasting through life, more concerned with his next relaxation session than in dealing with anything serious. He does not do anything. He just “is,” and gets away with just being because of his likability.
This is Barack Obama. He climbed the ladder by saying nothing, offending nobody, and keeping his beliefs, whatever they actually may be, hidden. He frequently describes himself as “reasonable” and his opponents as “extreme.” They are the past and he is the future.
Yet what has he actually done in the past? He hung out, chilled out, fell off the grid of life for awhile (missing gaps never filled in), and reappeared with a winning smile and good hair. Throw in a different melanin content and all of a sudden he was not the same tired retread the Democrats kept inflicting upon America in the 1980s and beyond.
He does not know how to do anything because he has never done anything. He has never had to do anything. He is not judged on results because with his supporters, results are irrelevant. He got elected saying the other guy was worse. He said had he not been elected, things would have been worse. He is running for reelection saying the other guy will be worse.
Yet nothing with a tangible metric is ever connected to him, because actual verifiable statistics would give him a failing grade.
This is as unsurprising and unremarkable as he is. He is a liberal. Liberals fail. He failed. Even some liberals understand this.
So as Mr. Obama prepares to campaign (his only noticeable skill) again, let’s just call him what he is.
He is Barack Hussein Mondale Dukakis Gore Kerry Zonker Sotero Obama.
For short, just call him Baracka Khan, twin brother of Chaka. When translated from the original Indonesian, it means “the one with funny ears and nose out of joint.”
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
This article is the copyrighted property of the writer and Communities @ WashingtonTimes.com. Written permission must be obtained before reprint in online or print media. REPRINTING TWTC CONTENT WITHOUT PERMISSION AND/OR PAYMENT IS THEFT AND PUNISHABLE BY LAW.