Obama to Iran: You need a hug

Iran tried to start World War III with the attempted murder of a Saudi diplomat on our soil. Despite access to predator drones, Mr. Obama prefers to respond with hugs and smoochies. Photo: Associated Press

LOS ANGELES, October 13, 2011—In 2009, Barack Obama told the leaders of Iran that if they would only unclench their fists, he would hug them and sit down with them at Summer Camp David for a weekend of campfire songs and marshmallow roasts.

He would hug the mullahs some more, kiss them, pet them, and name them George.

Iran concluded that the only marshmallow was President Obama, and that they preferred sticking to their original plan of roasting him and every other American on a spit.

America recently uncovered an Iranian plot to use Mexican thugs to murder the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States. When Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated, the result was World War I. Iran murdering a Saudi diplomat would not have been good for world peace.

Yet to understand why the mullahs would even consider such a horrid act, it is necessary to appreciate that children only run wild when the parents are absent. America is a nation with no adult in charge, and the world knows this.

When it was pointed out to Mr. Obama in 2009 that maybe the mullahs don’t like us, he was perplexed. After all, everybody loves him, especially him.

Mr. Obama was reminded that Iran refers to America as the Great Satan. Mr. Obama insisted this was fine, since it was at least an acknowledgment of our being great. Also, when the anagram is rearranged, America is actually the Great Santa. The Islamists are wishing us Merry Christmas.

The trick for Mr. Obama was to assuage Americans worried about being blown to kingdom come without actually doing anything to offend our warm, furry, genocidal BFF in Tehran.

The first step was to get the State Department involved, since the sole function of the State Department is to issue “proclamations,” “statements of concern” and other utterly useless verbiage.

The next step was to “do something” about Iran without actually doing anything. This led to “sanctions.” They were to be “deep,” “meaningful,” and “with bite.” For those unaware of how sanctions work, the innocent people America tries to help end up starving to death while the wealthy murderers running the country stay that way.

Then when the enemy fails to surrender within five minutes, Russia and China claim that sanctions are failing anyway so they may as well undermine them completely by doing business with the villains.

Yet somehow, someway, in a stunning turn of events, meaningless and toothless actions failed to quell the rage of killers who kill for the most basic of reasons. They like to kill.

Why did Willie Sutton rob banks? Because that is where the money is.

Why do bloodthirsty killers kill people? Because otherwise they would not be bloodthirsty killers.

Why does Iran try to blow up the world? Because it is Iran. That is what they do.

The problem is not that Iran is a crazy, murderous thugocracy. The problem is America’s refusal under our Peter, Paul, and Mary President to bring down the hammer. If I had a hammer, I would hammer Iran in the morning, in the evening, and then seize all of their land.

The attempted murder of a diplomat on American soil is an act of war. Responding to acts of war with empty platitudes only encourages more acts of war.

Mr. Obama has argued that Americans are war weary. Well too bad. Our enemies are hopped up on the wartime equivalent of Mountain Dew Code Red and ready to get sugar high on spreading bloodshed.

The only thing Armageddonijad and the mullahs understand and respect is force. Mr. Obama is not shy about using predator drones to catch al Qaeda terrorists. He needs to send one in the direction of the mullahs. Then our Seals can shove the American flag up their hides until they go to the toilet red, white, and blue.

Anything less at this point is a dereliction of duty. We cannot continue to have slumber parties with leaders who keep poisonous snakes and other weapons of mass destruction in their jammies.

We cannot continue to be made to look foolish by some third world seventh century savage who spends his nights quenching his desires by dialing 976-BAAA.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad fired the first shot on American soil, even though the gun failed to go off. He was willing to blow up an entire area and kill American civilians.

This is every bit as evil as 9/11 and the only response to a man waging war on America is to strike back permanently. Let him join Saddam Hussein underground with 72 Helen Thomases.

No more dialogue. No more blather. No more sanctions. Armageddonijad is a terrorist, and so are the mullahs.

It is time to put the children to bed and let the Neocons, also known as the adults, run foreign policy again. Take Armageddonijad and kill him. Kill him now, and send his body to the mullahs with a note letting them know they will be next.

They will knock it off in a heartbeat, or they will be taken out Islamist by Islamist.

Either way, the world will be a better place.



Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. 

Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.

Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS

Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.

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Eric Golub

Eric Golub is a politically conservative Jewish blogger, author, public speaker, and comedian. His book trilogy is “Ideological Bigotry,” “Ideological Violence,” and  “Ideological Idiocy.” 

He is Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and has lived in Los Angeles since 1990. He received his Bachelors degree from the University of Judaism, and his MBA from USC. A stockbrokerage professional since 1994, he began blogging on March 11th, 2007, the three year anniversary of the Madrid bombings and the midpoint of 9/11. He has been inflicting his world view on his unfortunate readers since then. He blogs about politics Monday through Friday, and about football and other human interest items on weekends.



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