Ways to make the Anthony Weiner ethics hearings even more interesting

Ethics hearings into Anthony Weiner will be a circus, but there are ways to make it even more of a spectacular spectacle than that. Send in the clowns! Photo: Associated Press

LOS ANGELES, June 9, 2011 — If anything could make sex more boring than sleeping with a NOW member, it would be to have a congressional ethics hearing about it.

While some are hoping that an Anthony Weiner ethics hearing would patch over the start of a very rough summer before the return of football and Desperate Housewives, it is best to tamp down expectations.

Listening to ‘Powerful Bald White Guys’ discuss sex is not sexy.

So let’s at least make the hearings more fun. Have reality television stars and other celebrities ask questions of Congressman Weiner.

We could start with American Idol judges past and present, then have Celebrity Apprentice candidates, and finally descend into madness with every other inconsequential celebrity.

With that, here are the digitally enhanced Anthony Weiner hearings in high definition and yet still low quality.

Simon Cowell: You were obviously looking like a fool with your pants on the ground. Was your hat on sideways? If you did not wear a hat, has the Center for Disease Control been contacted yet, because your performance makes me sick.

Jennifer Lopez: What could possibly have made you think that people want to see your front side as much as my back side? You may act like one, but I’m real.

Steven Tyler (singing): When it comes to making love I ain’t no hype…because I practice on a peach most every night…hey little darling…your love is legendary…love’s four letters…not in my dictionary…excuse my position…but it ain’t missionary…

Anthony Weiner: What is your question Mr. Tyler?

Steven Tyler: Ayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay.

Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, American Idol

Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, American Idol

Anthony Weiner: Well when you put it that way.

Randy Jackson: Dog, you acted like a dog, dog, I can’t believe you would dog us like that dog. You are not a cool cat, you dig dog?

Anthony Weiner: I’m not sure I do.

Randy Jackson: Dog, I’m telling you dog.

Ellen DeGeneres: Do you favor gay marriage?

Anthony Weiner: Absolutely.

Ellen DeGeneres: I have no further questions, you are obviously innocent.

Trace Adkins: Do you like a woman with a Honky Tonk Badonkadonk?

Piers Morgan: Fox News is killing CNN. Hannity is thrashing me. Will you appear on my show to help boost the ratings?

Anthony Weiner: Yes.

Piers Morgan: No further questions, I am satisfied.

Joan Rivers: Can we talk?

Anthony Weiner: About what?

Joan Rivers: I don’t care, I have been saying that since the Civil War. Did you side with the Union or the Confederacy?

Anthony Weiner: I was not alive then, but I would have supported the Union. I am against slavery.

Joan Rivers: Well then you shouldn’t have gotten married. Just kidding darling, I love you. My daughter Melissa is single. You should meet her. I will send you her picture. What is your email address? Are you on Facebook?

Gary Busey: Do you know where I can score some drugs and hookers? You are Eliot Spitzer, right?

Anthony Weiner: No, I am Anthony Weiner.

Gary Busey: Pleased to meet you, I’m Gary Busey.

Anthony Weiner: Yes, I know.

Gary Busey:

Meatloaf and Gary Busey

Meatloaf and Gary Busey

Did you use protection, because helmet laws suck.

Meatloaf: So help me God I will rip your throat out if you say one more word!

Anthony Weiner: Meatloaf, I…

Meatloaf: Not you Congressman, Gary Busey.

Donald Trump: You are a total psycho.

Meatloaf: That’s not nice Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Not you Meatloaf, Congressman Weiner. Anthony, you’re a psycho. I may have you on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice.

Anthony Weiner: I don’t think that’s…

Donald Trump: Anthony, you’re fired.

Anthony Weiner: I don’t work for you.

Donald Trump: Right, because I fired you.

Anthony Weiner: I answer to the voters.

Donald Trump: I vote in New York, you’re fired. Hey Jimmy Fallon and John Rich, sing it to him.

Jimmy Fallon and John Rich (singing): You’re fired, you’re fired, you son of a b*tch, you’re fired. Take your rolling suitcase out the door.

Then other Hollywood celebrities would have their say simply because they refuse to go away.

Lady Gaga: Congressman (singing)…I’ve had a little bit too much.

Anthony Weiner: Of what?

Lady Gaga: Wish I could shut my playboy mouth.

Anthony Weiner: Tell me about it.

Lady Gaga: How did my shirt get inside out?

Donald Trump and Lady Gaga

Donald Trump and Lady Gaga

Anthony Weiner: I have no idea. I am unfamiliar with you.

Lady Gaga: Stop calling, stop calling, I don’t want to talk any more.

Anthony Weiner: I never called you and I certainly did not use a government phone to do it. This is a disaster. I am ruined.

Lady Gaga: It’ll be ok. Just dance.

Justin Bieber: That pic you sent me was kind of gross.

Anthony Weiner: Oh come on! I’m not gay!

Lady Gaga: What do you have against gay people? You’re intolerant!

Anthony Weiner: I support gay people!

Justin Bieber: Oh wait, that was a pic of some other Congressman. They all like me. It’s kind of creepy.

Joy Behar: I hate Sarah Palin.

Anthony Weiner: I agree.

Joy Behar: You are obviously the victim of a right-wing smear machine. Sarah Palin is dumb and evil.

Star Jones: I will have my say.

Donald Trump: No Star, I already fired you.

Anthony Weiner: This is not your hearing.

Donald Trump: Pipe down psycho, you’re fired.

Anthony Weiner: You people are nuts.

Donald Trump: Zip it Weiner. You’re fired.

Rosie O’Donnell: I hate you Donald. Anthony, what is your stance on gay rights?

Anthony Weiner: I already answered that. Ask Ellen.

Rosie O’Donnell: Do I look like Ellen?

Donald Trump: No, you’re hideous…and you’re fired.

John Stewart: I shill for Anthony because we are personal friends but I have to pretend I am not a hack. Speaking of hacked, isn’t Andrew Breitbart evil for hacking into your Twitter account.

Anthony Weiner: Well, actually…

John Stewart: I know, he is a bad guy.

Anthony Weiner: I set myself up for blackmail.

John Stewart: Breitbart is blackmailing you? That b@stard!

Stephen Colbert: I’m Bill O’Reilly.

Anthony Weiner: Actually you’re not sir.

Stephen Colbert: You’re a liar! You lie about everything. I am Bill O’Reilly. You’re a pinhead. See, who else but O’Reilly would say that? I have testified before Congress you know.

Anthony Weiner: I am not sure O’Reilly ever did.

Stephen Colbert: How dare you criticize Papa Bear! I can have you waterboarded.

Anthony Weiner: Actually, that is not the case sir.

Stephen Colbert: Who do you think you are you insolent young snip, John Stewart?

David Letterman: Oh my, we’re having some fun now.

Anthony Weiner: Mr. Letterman, you just threw a pen at me and nearly poked out my eye.

David Letterman: I was aiming for the cameraman. Weiner, you really are an embarrassment with all this sex stuff with young women.

Jay Leno: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Joy Behar: The term is African-American you racist.

Anthony Weiner: This is insane. Don’t you people have any questions for me? Why is Sarah Palin here?

Tina Fey: I’m not Sarah Palin. I just look like her.

Anthony Weiner: Not funny.

Tina Fey: Hey, don’t attack Saturday Night Live just because you’re in trouble. I can’t bring back Bill Murray and Chevy Chase you know.

Anthony Weiner: I didn’t mean…

Tina Fey: Do you think it’s easy being a head writer for a show that hasn’t been funny since bell bottoms? You try writing Jerry Ford jokes.

Story Continues →

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Eric Golub

Eric Golub is a politically conservative Jewish blogger, author, public speaker, and comedian. His book trilogy is “Ideological Bigotry,” “Ideological Violence,” and  “Ideological Idiocy.” 

He is Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and has lived in Los Angeles since 1990. He received his Bachelors degree from the University of Judaism, and his MBA from USC. A stockbrokerage professional since 1994, he began blogging on March 11th, 2007, the three year anniversary of the Madrid bombings and the midpoint of 9/11. He has been inflicting his world view on his unfortunate readers since then. He blogs about politics Monday through Friday, and about football and other human interest items on weekends.



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