LOS ANGELES, July 26, 2011—Greg Gutfeld is God. There. I said it. It had to be said. Maybe it didn’t, but now it has been.
The host of “Redeye” on Fox News is the almighty deity that should be worshiped everywhere. It is time to build a statue of him right in front of the Ground Zero Mosque so everybody will know that Gutfeldism is the one true faith. He changed his name from Godfeld to Gutfeld out of modesty.
(He is also one of the seven best people to ever be a part of “The Five.”)
For those wondering how I came to this Gregalation, it began when I realized that I wanted to be on Redeye.
Yes, this is a shameless attempt to get on his television show.
Many times throughout the year people come to me after one of my speeches and say “You should be on Redeye.” I thank them, but it really is not my decision. It is in the hands of Greg Almighty.
For the sake of full disclosure and to teach young people everywhere the dangers of the Internet, the following passage I wrote in 2007 may forever leave me short of my Holy Greg Grail.
“Even Fox News is dumbing down its brand with ‘Redeye,’ where the main comedy gag is a correspondent talking to his mother, which was hilarious when David Letterman did it ages ago. I am so disgusted that nonsense like Redeye is on the air that I cannot even overlook the fact that Julia Allison and Rachel Marsden are drop dead gorgeous. How these two bright women force themselves to lower their intellect to do the topics they are given…but it’s not their fault.”
This was bad on so many different levels.
I made fun of the host and even tangentially brought up his mother.
I praised Rachel Marsden, who was fired from the show.
I praised Julia Allison, a liberal who was banned from the show.
I praised David Letterman, who has since become an angry leftist hating all things conservative.
I used a run-on sentence, which would make my English teacher mother cringe and be grateful she is retired.
Short of insulting Rupert Murdoch or Roger Ailes, there is not much more I could have done to earn the “Great Job (redacted—implies I am a eunuch) Wonder” award.
I was a new blogger back then, only one month into the game. I did not even have my speaking career at the time. Besides, the show back then was not nearly as good as it is now. Now they get guests such as Ann Coulter and John Bolton. K.T. MacFarland even showed up. That is impressive. Also, it took me awhile to listen and see that beneath the sophomoric humor, Greg Gutfeld and Andy Levy are politically conservative.
So why Redeye and not Hannity or O’Reilly?
My style is comedic. Redeye truly is a good fit. Friends of mine went on the show and liked it. I made friends with others after they went on the show. I met Gutfeld, Levy, and Bill Schultz and genuinely liked them. Gutfeld makes himself out to be short, but I am 5 ft 5. Therefore he is tall and handsome, and has good hair. So is Andy Levy. Schultz is tall. That’s the best I can do for him, unless he gets a vote. Then he is also handsome.
While Schultz and Levy are Jewish, Gutfeld is often mistaken for one. He still seems to have more of a Jewish identity than Jon Stewart, so maybe my people can do a swap.
Mr. Gutfeld hates Griffins, although I am not sure if he is always talking about the beasts that hate unicorns or left-wing smear merchant Kathy Griffin.
I was going somewhere with this. Oh yeah. I was born and raised in New York, where the studios are located. My family has an apartment in Brooklyn in case Bill Schultz ever does need a floor to sleep on. The place has three bedrooms, but they are now offices.
Now if I were Greg Gutfeld, I would issue the following statement.
“Given this man’s heartfelt plea, I am going to give him false hope and then ridicule him on national television and let him know that he has as much of a chance of an appearance on Redeye as I do of dating Joyless Behar. The answer is no, which you are used to hearing based on your junior high school dating experiences.”
Then again, I am a mean, vindictive S.O.B. Hopefully Gutfeld is not.
Some people have actually offered to write him on my behalf and suggest I start a campaign to get on. This is a terrible idea because it has only downside. If he gets too many letters he will be aggravated. If he does not receive enough then my popular support is overstated, so he will bump me for an extra segment with a talking newspaper. Losing to hot women is tolerable, but losing to Jayson Blair Times publisher Arthur “Pinch” Sulzburger, Jr., would be unbearable. People who hate me could flood him with letters telling him never to have me on, but that might actually help my cause. My critics are not always the best and brightest.
As for my qualifications, I do stuff. I could anyway, if I had to.
So this is my open letter to my crush, Greg Gutfeld. Actually my real crush is Monique, but expressing that would be weird.
There is nothing else for me to do. I have not prayed so hard for something since I prayed for a sequel to “Old School.” That wish never came true. The previous God (before Gutfeld ascended) owes me.
So dear all-powerful Gutfeld…extend a few minutes to a humble guy who has not had a happy day since the paternity results for Elizabeth Hurley’s baby ruled me out.
I would even offer him burnt offerings. I asked him which Hollywood celebrities he would most want waterboarded, but perhaps I should bring them as sacrifices to him instead. Now if I could just find a way to get the ladies of “The View” to fall into my Rube Goldberg contraption outside my condo. Leaving a piece of cheese could ensnare Behar, but the others would be tougher.
Some say it is wrong to suck up, but as one of my father’s longtime friends and colleagues (borrowed and paraphrased from LBJ) said, “If I knew then what I know now, I’d have kissed their @ss in Macy’s window.”
Rich, powerful, and important people never get tired of hearing how rich, powerful, and important they are. They already know, but they had to give it so they delight in receiving it. They know they look terrible wearing pink or yellow socks with matching golf shorts, but they take joy in seeing how many people tell them they are “eccentric” and “one of a kind.” I was in management for years. Like most managers I was fairly talentless at everything except noticing when the boss had a new necktie. Now that I work for myself I miss having subordinates pretend to listen to a d@mn word I say unless it is time for their performance evaluation.
So Greg, just know you have the best mustache on television (fine, we know that is John Stossel, but if you grow one it will be superior because you as God created Stossel).
Greg, since you also created me and my fellow Jews, it is time to pay homage.
Let us all pray in the verbiage of the Hebrews.
“Baruch Atah Adoshem Elokaynu Melech Ha’olom, B’rai Pre Ha-Gutfeld.”
“Lord our God, King of the universe, who has given us the Gutfeld.”
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities.
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