LOS ANGELES, December 31, 2011 ― The evidence is in, and it is overwhelming. Nobody else will say it, and letting it drag into 2012 is morally wrong. So let us end 2011 with an inconvenient truth. No, not one involving a full of (redacted) vice president, but an even more dangerous one.
Tim Tebow is Satan.
He is the personification of pure evil, and he must be defeated and destroyed, never to rise up and spread terror and pain ever again.
May he never pray to his lord and savior after a touchdown ever again.
For those prepared for a holy war, this is not about religion. This is not about Christianity, Judaism, Islam, atheism, or Wiccan culture. Nor is it about politics. This is about something much deeper that must be stopped as of January 1st, 2012.
This is about football.
Forget that Tim Tebow is polite. Forget that he builds orphanages for underprivileged children in Asia. Forget that he actually practices what he preaches, with not a trace of hypocrisy.
It doesn’t matter. Tim Tebow is Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, and the anti-Christ’s even more evil twin.
Tim Tebow is the quarterback of the Denver Broncos. My team is the Oakland Raiders.
This is about football.
The story this year in the AFC West was supposed to be about the Raiders. After almost half a century at the helm in various positions, owner Al Davis died. The Raiders for a long time were the most hated team in football. Then they began losing and became a laughingstock. This year they turned it around, and when Davis died they became an admired bunch of overachievers with character, heart, and guts.
The day after Davis died, the Raiders won an inspired road game on the final play. The entire league was rooting for the Raiders. Not since the 1980 Jim Plunkett story have so many people put aside their hatred of the Raiders and rooted for them.
Despite being devastated with injuries, the Raiders were on their way to the AFC West division title.
Then along came Satan, or as they call him in Denver, Tim Tebow.
He took over a 1-4 team, and after a miserable 35 point loss to fall to 2-5, the Broncos won six straight games in dramatic fashion. The Al Davis story of the Raiders got buried under Tebowmania. One of those games saw a 24-14 fourth quarter Raiders lead in Oakland turn into a stunning 38-24 Broncos win.
As of December 31st, 2011, the Raiders and Broncos are both 8-7. Both teams host division rivals who are out of the playoffs. Denver holds the tie-breaker. If the Broncos win on New Year’s Day, they win the West. The Raiders could be out of the playoffs.
So no, Tim Tebow should not be allowed to pray to Jesus after a touchdown. This has nothing to do with Jesus. Tebow should just be stopped cold from ever scoring another touchdown. If he wants to pray to his lord and savior after getting belted to the ground after a sack, that is fine.
(As for other players mocking his faith with displays of “Tebowing” at his expense, that is disgraceful. Hating him for being a Bronco is fine. Attacking his Christianity is unacceptable.)
So how does Tebow redeem himself? How does he remove himself from the personification of pure evil? He can’t. As long as he plays for the Denver Broncos, he should burn.
In fact, I hope he fails. I hope he fails miserably. May he throw interceptions, gives up fumbles, and see the Broncos knocked out of the playoffs.
John Elway was Satan for seventeen years. Then he retired.
Jay Cutler became Satan. Then he was transferred to the Bears, and now the Raider Nation greets him with a shrug of indifference.
Tim Tebow seemed like a good kid. Yet he chose to join the dark side. Well actually, the Broncos drafted him, but he could have said no. Elway chose to go to Denver, but Tebow could have refused.
Had Tebowmania started in 2010 or 2012, the harm would be less.
Not in 2011. Not in the year Al Davis died. This year has to be about the Oakland Raiders.
Al Davis was Jewish, but he never would have made this about religion.
Everything with him came down to football.
If Al Davis were alive today, he would look at Tebow and say, “the quarterback’s going down, and he’s going down hard.”
Sorry, Mr. Tebow. It has to be this way. You have to be hated. More importantly, with regards to the Raider Nation, you are supposed to be hated.
To hate you due to your religion would be bigotry. To hate you for the color of your skin would be evil. To hate you for the colors of your uniform is healthy, and normal.
You wear orange and blue. I bleed silver and black.
On January 1st, The Oakland Raiders need to defeat the San Diego Chargers to go 9-7. The Denver Broncos need to lose to the Kansas City Chiefs to fall to 8-8.
Denver has a leader more clean-cut and beloved by his own than Luke Skywalker. Well the black hole has Darth Raider and the Violator.
Like the original devil Elway, Tim Tebow could be spreading his evil for the next ten to fifteen years. Elway lasted seventeen.
Yet the “Win one for Al” chants will not make it to the 2012 season. January 1st is the last regular season game where coach Hue Jackson can give a speech that lights a fire, makes grown men cry, and inspires gridiron greatness.
The Catholics and Protestants made peace in Northern Ireland. Jews, Christians, and Muslims all live in Israel. Republicans and Democrats hugged after terrorist attacks.
Yet only one team can win the AFC West. There is not enough room for the Raiders and the Broncos. Something has to give. So while Tim Tebow would never ask God to help him win, I am going to be a far worse person than he is.
Dear God, help the Raiders get healthy. Help running back Darren McFadden and kick returner Jacoby Ford recover from their foot injuries. Carry them for one day if you have to.
May Al Davis watch one more Raider division title from Heaven.
May Tim Tebow lead a happy life filled with peace, love, and goodness … off the football field. When the game ends, may he walk off the field healthy - and defeated. No man should wish a football injury on another man, but once the game starts, until the final gun sounds, may Tim Tebow be pounded repeatedly and unmercifully.
Tim Tebow is Satan. May his playoff chances be exorcised.
Death to the season of the infidel Denver Broncos. May the spirit of Al Davis triumph one more time. Go Raiders.
Just win baby.
Silver and black forever.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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