LOS ANGELES, December 25, 2011 ― To the Jews, Happy Hanukkah. To the Christians, Merry Christmas. To the atheists, hope you win the lottery dude.
(Thank you Anthony Clark).
Happy Festivus to the Rest of Us. The airing of grievances will now begin.
For secular leftists worshipping the environmental goddess Gaea, we have Chevy Volts roasting on an open fire. There will be no lumps of coal since you are trying to ban coal. There will be Solyndra solar panels in your stockings since they have no functional use.
Consider it a free 500 million dollar gift from taxpayers.
For conservative Republicans, a roly poly holly jolly Chris Christie Christmas to all.
Luckily for me, I like movie theatres, bowling alleys, and Chinese food. Now we have the Matzoh Ball, also known as Schmoozapalooza.
While most NFL games were delayed from Sunday to Monday, Christmas Eve brought the Jets vs the Giants, and Christmas night offers the Bears against the Packers.
(I thought I saw Santa rooting against the Raiders today, but the big guy in red was Chiefs coach Romeo Crennel. Eagles coach Andy Reid also does a good Santa impersonation, as does Browns President Mike Holmgren.)
While today is not a holiday for me, I will confine my remarks to my memories of December 25th, and what the day represents.
First of all, as a follower of the Hebrew faith, if I ever try to run for political office, let’s get my scandal out of the way right now (no, not those scandals, the other one).When I was eight years old I tried to sue Santa Claus.
I did not know what a class action lawsuit was, but I went to my parents, and told them that if enough of my Jewish friends got together, we could file a discrimination claim against that fat, red (redacted). It just did not seem fair that he kept skipping over my house. I was a good kid (I stand by that statement).
Besides, I liked football, and Santa was built like an offensive tackle. Maybe he skipped my home because he was a 49ers fan. He did wear red, and some gold. I never did see him in silver and black. Yet I could not help but think that he had a problem with the Jews. He never wore Blue and White either. Some people tried to patronize me with Hanukkah Harry. Sorry folks, that is like getting a 3 Stooges episode with Shemp. It just is not the same.
Now that I am older, I realize that God showed his love for the Israelites by making their holy day on a Saturday. This was so there would be little to no conflict with the real proof of God’s existence, the National Football League. Christians have to go to church on Sunday. I know there are many devout Christian fathers who feel that the best way to worship the lord is with a soda and a bag of chips while watching men grappling in inclement weather over an oblate spheroid.
I remember icy Decembers in New York, with ripped gloves. It allowed me to catch the football better. My parents were horrified, since they did not want the neighbors to think we were poor, when we were comfortably middle class. I did get several pairs of gloves that year, and they all got ripped playing ball. I wore them ripped.
Some say life was simpler back then, but that is a lie. I was just too young to know any better. I did not know as a child that the Anti-Defamation League or the Equal Employment Opportunities Commission existed. There was no redress for me to go after Santa. Plus, my paper route was not enough to pay the filing fee anyway. Then again, had Santa not been anti-Semitic, I might be a liberal today, begging for free toys without doing anything to earn them.
As a proud conservative Republican, my kids will not rely on some overweight, out of shape has-been to get the job done.
There. I feel better already.
Santa…I’ve got my eye on you. I’ve got the legal papers, and made sure the big words were spelled correctly. If I see you skipping any houses, you better have a good explanation. Like they say in the Best Buy commercials, bring it on, Santa.
Off to find out if Reindeer meat is Kosher. Time to take down Rudolph before any more religious hatred is spread.
No, not really.
Time to sleep in and relax. I have ten hours of football to watch on Monday followed by highlights. On Tuesday I have actual real work to do. Unlike Santa, I can’t be out all night playing with animals. I have responsibilities.
Happy Holidays all!
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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