LOS ANGELES, December 20, 2011—Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah, come light the Menorah…
Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah, we’ll all dance the horah…
Gather around the table, we’ll give you a treat…
Lots of tasty chocolates, and latkes to eat…
Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah, come light the Menorah…
Happy Chaka Khan! Time to break out the Dreidels (spinning tops) and spin them faster than an ultracentrifuge.
For those who do not celebrate this lovely holiday, “I feel for you.” For those who truly want good things in life, the world truly does need “higher love.”
At sundown on Tuesday, December 20th, the Hebrews get ready to celebrate the festival of lights. From now through December 28th, Hanukkah spreads blue and white beauty and tradition to Jews scattered throughout the four corners of the world.
For the linguistically challenged, both spellings of the holiday have eight letters. Adding a “C” requires subtracting a “K.” It is Chanukah or Hanukkah.
Regarding the holiday itself, it is time to dispel some myths. People like to pass on beautiful stories of miracles. People hear that the Jewish fighters only had enough oil for one day, and miracle of miracles, the oil magically lasted for eight days. For those with small children, have them leave the room so some hard truths can be discussed.
Santa Claus is not real, Palestinians are an invented fictional people, the secret formula for Coca Cola is (redacted), and the person who shot JFK was (redacted). Oh, and this oil lasting for eight days is the warm, fuzzy, sanitized story told to children.
So what is Hanukkah really?
Hanukkah is the Jewish version of July 4th. It is a Neocon’s fantasy. The Jews fought some Greeks in battle, and b*tchslapped them. That’s it.
Many people think of the Jewish people as long-suffering weaklings. This is partly due to Jewish comedians playing on stereotypes of angst-ridden and guilt-ridden leftist Jews afraid of their own shadows. Most Jews are actually not weak, sniveling crybabies begging our enemies to like us. This battered housewife syndrome of blaming the victim is a relatively new and unpleasant phenomenon.
Real Jewish history has revolved around military strength. With all due respect to the Greek people of today, back then they were the bad guys. They destroyed the first Holy Temple, but the Maccabees took care of them. Gorgias? Get out of here! Nicanor? Knock it off!
The second coming of Judah Maccabee is Paul Wolfowitz. Actually, the word Maccabee means “hammer,” so perhaps the second coming is Charles Krauthammer. The lessons of Hanukkah apply perfectly to the Iraq War. If the world has any common sense, the Maccabee method of problem-solving will be applied to the mullahs in Iran immediately.
Back then, the Maccabees royally smacked the Greeks around, and they have not been a power since. Winning wars is why Jews are still here. For those troubled by this…deal with it.
Yet the actual celebration of Hanukkah is a tad bittersweet for those who are educated about this holiday. Jews won on the battlefield but lost the war.
What this means is that there was a major difference between how the Jews and the Greeks celebrated their holidays. Greeks celebrated holidays created in the wake of their military victories, which were many. Jewish tradition was to not name holidays after military successes. Jews did not glorify blood triumphs.
The Greeks ordered Jews to assimilate or be killed. Thankfully Jews never had to face that threat again. Just kidding. Jews were fighting for the right to remain independently Jewish, without forced assimilation into Greek culture. So after Judah Maccabbee and his brothers helped the people of Israel crush the Greeks in battle, the first thing they did was hoist a flag of victory and declare this military victory a Jewish holiday. So after fighting for the right to prevent assimilation, Jews adopted a Greek tradition anyway. Assimilation is still deadly to Judaism. To this day, some would argue that what Hitler failed to do to the Jews, Jews do internally through a 52% intermarriage rate.
Cynical people would say that the Jews broke the war rule because they were so used to losing that even they were shocked to have won. Concern existed that never again would the Jews win anything. This is nonsense. Others say that Jews needed to adopt different traditions to provide flexibility in the future for those wishing to declare themselves Jewish without actually obeying any traditions.
Hanukkah is actually the least important holiday in the Jewish calendar. It is an excuse to party for eight days, or fourteen days if you count pre and post Hanukkah parties. The only reason Hanukkah gets any attention is because it occurs around the same time as Christmas.
Briefly returning to the Neocon aspect of this holiday, the true lesson of Hanukkah is a political one that the 70-80% of Jews desperate to sing Kumbaya with those hating our guts would do well to heed. The lesson of Hanukkah is simple. Force works. There is no dialogue or negotiation with those refusing to recognize your right to exist. Survival is not pretty. It often involves spilling large amount of blood. When your enemy is on their knees with their face bleeding, negotiation is possible.
The other lesson that comes from the Jews during this time is the idea of mercy. Jews did not rape the Greek women, chop heads and limbs off, enslave their people, or indiscriminately engage in deliberate cruelty. We defended ourselves. In keeping with the values that unite Jews and Americans to this day, both remain a people that use their power for noble and good purposes. America through its economic and military power, and American Jews through their sense of justice, help feed, clothe, protect, and defend others all around the word, many of whom are neither Jewish nor American.
Hanukkah is a celebration of serious life-saving accomplishments, but it is also a lighthearted holiday filled with food, alcohol, and candle lighting ceremonies around the world. Life for the Hebrew people has had much darkness, but for the next eight nights there is only light. Rituals and traditions vary among different sects and cultures of Jews, but they are all about 6000 years of blue and white history from Brooklyn to Jerusalem and everywhere else.
So as I light candles and hope that a certain young Republican Hebrew brunette shows up at my door wearing only a blue and white Hanukkah bow…(negotiations are ongoing)…I look forward to the next eight nights.
Happy Hanukkah everybody! Shalom!
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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