LOS ANGELES, August 4, 2011 — Barack Obama turned 50 years old today. Happy birthday Mr. President. For the sake of America, I will not sing to you. I am no Marilyn Monroe.
The best birthday wish we can give him is to have an enjoyable day with Michelle, Sasha, and Malia. May his children give him joy for many years to come.
The day will be a celebration of Barack Obama, rendering it indistinguishible from every other day in his life. Nevertheless, today he actually is entitled to be king for a day.
Tomorrow he will have to take his tiara off again.
Mr. Obama was given a birthday president of $3,580,000, or 89% of a Kobe Bryant apology diamond. 100 obese felines, an animal that Obama pretends to disdain, all donated $35,800 for the right to inspect his (backside, redacted) and make sure it was as clean and delightful as MSNBC insists. He has every right to this money.
He “earned” it.
However, Obama will truly show us his wonderful nature by what he does with the money.
Mr. Obama insists he is a Christian. That is believable. Most Americans are Christians. Since Christianity requires 10% tithing, Obama should immediately give $358,000 to charity.
SEIU and the Center for American Progress do not count as charities, despite representing charity cases. He could give the money to the people of Minot, North Dakota or Joplin, Missouri.
He should set aside 2% of the money for other causes that might arise. For now, that $71,600 can be put in a (don’t dare call it a lockbox) general fund.
Mr. Obama needs to “spread the wealth around.” It is not fair that he has so much and the competitors trying to get him fired him have relatively little. So the remaining 88% of the money should be shared by Obama with all the other presidential candidates. Republican candidates should get some, but so should the Libertarians, Greens, and American Independents.
Even potential Democratic primary opponents should get some.
Forced equality and wealth redistribution require that other candidates not as adept at fundraising receive some of his proceeds. He may try to argue that he earned it, but he has an unfair advantage. Unfairness is not allowed. Everything in life must be equal and fair.
Obama should even pay money to John McCain because they did not have the same amount of money in the 2008 race. Obama should be allowed to keep some of the money, just not all of it. That would be selfish.
Obama could even give money to the Republican National Committee so they can use it on ads to criticize him. After all, my parents are Republicans and teachers, and they had to give their money to teachers’ unions, who then funneled it to liberal causes.
Obama returning the favor would level the playing field.
As for the 100 portly felines who donated $35,800 apiece into the president’s kitty, their names and occupations should be made public.
Every single one of them should be forced to change the entire business model of his or her firm. Oil companies are being bullied into supporting green energy. Tobacco companies are being forced into funding anti-tobacco ventures. McDonalds was browbeaten into putting apples in their Happy Meals.
Obama’s donors should do the same.
Those in the entertainment industry should have their profits confiscated. They are allowed to make money, but not obscene amounts of money. They should be forced to “invest” their money in family friendly programs so conservative that they make “Father Knows Best” look like the “Jersey Shore.”
The Christian Coalition should have the final say on which programs are family friendly.
Music executives should be forced to fund elevator music, while movie moguls should be required to bankroll and produce pro-American movies where American soldiers are righteous heroes and anti-war protesters are filthy cancerous wretches.
Yes, it is about time for non-fiction documentaries to make a comeback.
Liberals at this point will wonder why Republicans, conservatives, hedge fund managers, and oil executives should not be held to the same standards. This is not necessary. These groups are not guilt-ridden, self-righteous, richie mega daddy warbuckles criticizing others for pursuing wealth. They are an honest reflection in the mirror.
Only on the left is bashing the rich while attending $35,800 dinners free of ethical conflict.
These wealthy leftist donors actually believe that donating to a man obsessed with social justice is the same as actually doing something positive, like giving to charity. It is actually nowhere near as noble as helping somebody start a small business for themselves.
True, it is better than watching these people take the money and snort it off each other’s bare exposed (backsides—redacted), but it is still a phony gesture by people refusing to admit that they crave wealth, power, and access to wealth and power as much as any conservative Republican business magnate.
Mr. Obama has every right to accept just under 1000 times what I received for my Bar Mitzvah. He should just give himself the birthday present that every man old enough to receive an AARP card should receive.
(No, not “that” present. The rubber glove is age 40, and at 39 1/2 I am not looking forward to it. Obama does it to me every April 15th, but that has not prepared me.)
Mr. Obama should go to his favorite place of worship on his 50th birthday and look in the mirror. If he is honest with the man returning the winning smile, his eyes full of hero worship, he will for the first time in his existence learn about “introspection.” He will admit that he is a raging capitalist pig who wants to have more of everything simply because he wants it and he can.
This is not a bad thing. It is one of the few normal qualities he has. Once he has embraced his inner avarice, he can stop criticizing others who have the nerve to want to own a yacht or a gold watch. They can own 100 of them, one for each of his donors. He should be fine with this because that is what will stimulate the economy and give him the best chance for reelection.
Today is your 50th birthday, so you are the most sincere, giving, fair man I know.
August 5th will no longer be your birthday.
And I will tell you to just be quiet and cut taxes so guys like me can have a fighting chance despite you.
Oh, and have Sasha and Malia’s teachers take their A’s in social studies and change them to B’s and have my C’s from the 1980s turned into B’s as well. It’s about fairness.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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