WASHINGTON, July 2, 2013 — “Big Brother” is back to torture us with another house full of self-absorbed and narcissistic wannabe losers who will somehow manage to lower the reality entertainment bar even further than in previous seasons.
After all, the casual sex and the tedious drama that keeps this show’s promiscuous losers going have to be the key reasons why people actually choose to tune in. Sex and phony drama are the only things “Big Brother” has to offer, unless we count the absence of a moral or ethical compass this show encourages when cultivating personal relationships of any kind.
Another reality show; “America’s Got Talent,” is on tonight, sharing the 9 p.m. time slot with “Big Brother,” giving viewers yet another reason to drop kick their HD TVs out the front door and onto the curb for the morning trash collection. Rather than waste an hour of airtime each, why not combine the two into one show and really cater to the questionable demographic that faithfully watches both shows?
We could call it “America’s Got Porn Talent” or “America’s Big Brothel After Dark,” or any combination of the two that comes to mind. Howard Stern might even agree to be the “Ron Jeremy” character for free since he would have a house full of morally bankrupt cast members to “interact” with. Think of the possibilities.
While we’re brainstorming here, let’s think about recruiting additional star power for this newly combined mega-reality show. Heidi Klum could be in charge of wardrobe since that’s her area of expertise.
And former “Spice Girl” Mel B could teach a couple of the house members how to speak with a British accent to give their porn productions a taste of international flavor, even teaching them a few additional words from the lexicon of Brit gutterspeak, giving variety and an international, cosmopolitan flavor to the already considerable batch of words and phrases that are regularly bleeped out.
Poor old Howie Mandel would have to find work elsewhere because of his germ phobia. Or he could settle for the role of color commentator while describing the action from a hermetically sealed box somewhere off-camera.
That leaves us with the task of finding a job for Nick Cannon. But since he’s married to Mariah Carey, the obvious choice for his role on the production team would be drama coach. He could teach each of the “Big Brother” housemates new and improved ways to bellow out “let’s party.”
Even better, he could mine his considerable drama experience as Mariah Carey’s husband and teach the housemates how to make even the smallest of interactions a potential for drama. With a little coaching, even leaving the lid off the toothpaste could blow up into a full-blown catfight because, let’s face it, that’s why people watch.
But our remote controls offer a better choice for tonight’s viewing. We can once again thank basic cable for an escape from the nonsense on the major broadcast networks. At 9 p.m., counterprogramming TNT is airing “Rizzoli & Isles,” followed by “Perception.” Both are well made alternatives that are blissfully free of hot tub orgies.
<>If we want some water scenarios that aren’t cringe inducing, there are also back-to-back episodes of “Deadliest Catch” starting at 8 p.m. on Discovery Channel. At least the crab caught on this show is edible. And not contagious.
All times are EDT:
ABC: Extreme Weight Loss: (New) For the first time, Chris helps a married couple — high school sweethearts from Michigan named Jason and Rachel — lose weight.
CBS: NCIS: (Repeat) The team investigates when the body of a missing NCIS facilities manager, who disappeared the day the Navy Yard was bombed, is found. Meanwhile, psych evaluations are conducted; and Gibbs worries about Abby’s recurring nightmares.
FOX: So You Think You Can Dance: (Live) The Top 20 finalists perform before learning who will be going home.
NBC: Betty White’s Off Their Rockers: (Repeat) An oldster goes to an art class to serve as a nude model; a woman takes photos of herself using tourists’ cameras; a prankster works as a grocery-cart valet. Appearing: Nick Cannon.
CW: Hart of Dixie: (Repeat) Zoe grows apprehensive about her mom visiting her for Christmas, so she throws herself into her work and unintentionally risks ruining the holidays for others. Meanwhile, Lavon tries to create a memorable week for Ruby; and George has trouble finding a gift for Tansy.
NBC: Betty White’s Off Their Rockers: (Repeat) A best-of edition culled from Season 1 episodes features an oldster asking to be cuddled, and a priest and a nun making out on a park bench. Also: a senior flash mob.
CBS: Big Brother: (New) The power of Veto competition is held.
NBC: America’s Got Talent: (New) Nick and the judges continue to traverse the nation in search of the most talented acts in America.
CW: America’s Next Top Model: College Edition: (Repeat) The three remaining models are reduced to two following a photo shoot.
ABC: Body of Proof: (Repeat) Megan cracks the serial killer case but can’t reveal the answers to her team while Lacey’s life is in danger; District Attorney Dan Russell targets Kate.
CBS: Person of Interest: (Repeat) Reese and Finch try to save a hotel maid’s life, but the number of suspects proves to be overwhelming. Meanwhile, Carter gets an offer to join the FBI.
New episodes of:
Pretty Little Liars at 8 p.m. on ABCFAM
Deadliest Catch: On Deck at 8 p.m. on DSC
Property Virgins at 8 and 8:30 p.m. on HGTV
The Haves and Have Nots at 9 p.m. on OWN
Mythbusters at 8 and 9 and 10 p.m. on SCI
Dance Moms at 9 p.m. on Life
Twisted at 9 p.m. on ABCFAM
Rizzoli & Isles at 9 p.m. on TNT
Deadliest Catch at 9 p.m. on DSC
Airport 24/7 at 9 p.m. on Travel Channel
The Real Housewives of Orange County at 9 p.m. on BRAVO
Storage Wars at 9 and 9:30 p.m. on A&E
Hardcore Pawn at 9 and 9:30 p.m. on truTV
Exit at 10 p.m. on Syfy
Gangsters: America’s Most Evil at 10 p.m. on BIO
Swamp Murders at 10 p.m. on ID
Perception at 10 p.m. on TNT
My Teen is Pregnant and so am I at 10 p.m. on TLC
Pretty Wicked Moms at 10 p.m. on Life
Catfish: The TV Show at 10 p.m. on MTV
Taboo USA at 10 p.m. on NGC
House Hunters at 10 p.m. on HGTV
Chopped at 10 p.m. on Food Channel
Blood and Oil at 10 p.m. on DSC
Shipping Wars at 10 and 10:30 p.m. on A&E
House Hunters International at 10:30 p.m. on HGTV
Inside Amy Schumer at 10:30 p.m. on Comedy Central
For movie lovers:
The Mummy on AMC
V on ENC
Drugstore Cowboy on FLIX
The Rookie on FXM
Unstoppable on FX
The Watch on HBO
Pitch Perfect on HBO
V for Vendetta on IFC
Gosford Park on SUND
In Our Time on TCM
W on TMC
Wanderlust on HBO
Safe House on MOMAX
Hotel Transylvania on STARZ
The World According to Dick Cheney at 9:35 p.m. on SHO
The Fifth Element at 9:35 p.m. on ENC
Rise of the Planet of the Apes at 10 p.m. on CINEMAX
The Devil’s Own at 10 p.m. on REELZ
Why Stop Now at 10:10 p.m. on TMC
The Mummy at 10:45 p.m. on AMC
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