WASHINGTON, August 13, 2013 —Tuesdays must be work release day at mental hospitals. Or at least it’s beginning to look that way, because basic cable has loaded up the night with reality TV characters that likely can exist only in the minds of a feeble few.
First it was Catfish chasing invisible people on the Internet for a series of “clients” who refuse to believe they’ve been pranked. Then along came Shelby the barefoot swamp man who is a living legend according to History Channel, describing, we’d guess, what’s passing for actual history these days.
Now, with tonight’s addition of “Amish Mafia,” “Tickle” and “Doomsday Castle” to the Tuesday night lineup, it is officially time to cue “Send in the Clowns” and call it a night.
First off, who watches “Amish Mafia” anyway, since the Amish don’t own TVs? Are there people out there who actually think a substantial thug element of the Amish exists? And do such people really believe these alleged, wannabe, Amish-flavored Goodfellas—aka “Men in Black”— conduct their business out of a dairy barn? (Cue in a cool, period soundtrack.)
We’d guess it all makes sense if betting on a horse and buggy race is on the agenda. But what do the Amish wager, loaves of bread and fresh veggies?
But wait! There’s more! Pass me that Mason jar of hooch.
Just as ridiculous as the kinder, gentler Amish equivalent of “Murder, Inc.” is the notion that moonshiners can conduct their illegal business right in front of a live camera crew without getting caught by them dad’ gum revenooers after their first show airs.
But tell that to the producers of “Tickle” which, PBS fans, has absolutely nothing to do with Elmo. Tonight when “Tickle” premieres on Discovery, just keep in mind that no live corn was harmed during the filming of this show. If you really must watch it.
BTW, the Virginia Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control has made a statement to the Associated Press stating that a crime is not taking place on the show because it is a dramatization, and no illegal liquor is being produced. Umm, so that makes “Tickle” a “reality” show, right? And we thought Washington types were the only folks quietly re-defining the English language to suit their nefarious purposes.
This brings us to that intrepid family that’s currently building an impregnable, siege-resistant castle where they can live comfortably after an electromagnetic pulse pulls the plug on the rest of the planet and the known world goes medieval.
Yep, “Doomsday Castle” is yet another example of the entertainment industry’s current obsession with the inevitable arrival of the apocalypse.
Meanwhile, we wait in vain for a reality show that—wait for it—makes fun of a big, cosmopolitan East Coast city that think it’s chic and fashionable to run a serial exhibitionist with a funny name for mayor and a serial philanderer as comptroller. As if.
Seriously now, folks, if National Geographic Channel wants us to watch something like “Doomsday Castle,” they should at least throw in some gnarly, flesh-eating zombies as extras to give that castle a real dress rehearsal, so to speak.
How else are we going to get rid of these annoying reality show characters?
All times are EDT:
ABC: Extreme Weight Loss: (New) Chris helps family man Mike turn his health around; Mike gets the chance to box Evander Holyfield.
CBS: NCIS: (Repeat) Ziva’s father unexpectedly arrives to visit his daughter, but she questions his motives and wonders if he is on a secret mission for Mossad. Meanwhile, the team investigates the link between a dead journalist and a Navy petty officer.
FOX: So You Think You an Dance: (Live) The top ten perform.
NBC: Hollywood Game Night: (Repeat) The celebrity players are Jason Alexander, Nick Cannon, Josh Gad, Niecy Nash, Al Roker and Will Sasso.
CW: Whose Line is it Anyway?: (New) Lisa Leslie; comedian Heather Anne Campbell.
CW: Whose Line is it Anyway?: (Repeat) Kyle Richards appears.
CBS: NCIS: Los Angeles: (Repeat) Kensi and Deeks are sent to Mexico to investigate the theft of a cartel boss’s body, after a DEA special task force brings the ruthless criminal down. Back at home, Callen and Sam look into whether there is a leak in the DEA.
NBC: America’s Got Talent: (New) Twelve more performers take the Radio City stage to prove that they have what it takes to make it to the AGT semifinals.
CW: Capture: (New) The team that destroyed the food supply is in the hot seat; one team views the entire playing field; the Hunt Team’s capture proves shocking.
ABC: Body of Proof: (Repeat) Megan arrives at the scene of a young girl’s murder and finds Tommy covered in blood; as evidence piles up against Tommy, Megan tries to ignore her doubts and prove his innocence.
CBS: Person of Interest: (Repeat) Reese takes on an undercover assignment in a suburban neighborhood.
New episodes of:
Pretty Little Liars at 8 p.m. on ABCFAM
Nine for IX at 8 p.m. on ESPN
Doomsday Preppers Bugged Out at 8 p.m. on NGC
Amish Mafia at 8 and 9 p.m. on DSC
The Haves and Have Nots at 9 p.m. on OWN
Dance Moms at 9 p.m. on Life
Covert Affairs at 9 p.m. on USA
Rizzoli & Isles at 9 p.m. on TNT
Airport 24/7: Miami at 9 p.m. on Travel Channel
Doomsday Preppers at 9 p.m. on NGC
Face Off at 9 p.m. on Syfy
Who Do You Think You Are? At 9 p.m. on TLC
Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis at 9 p.m. on BRAVO
Property Virgins at 9 and 9:30 p.m. on HGTV
Mythbusters 9 and 10 p.m. on SCI
Perception at 10 p.m. on TNT
Tickle at 10 p.m. on DSC
House Hunters at 10 p.m. on HGTV
Catfish: The TV Show at 10 p.m. on MTV
Doomsday Castle at 10 p.m. on NGC
Chopped at 10 p.m. on Food Channel
Suits at 10 p.m. on USA
The Legend of Shelby the Swamp Man at 10 and 10:30 p.m. on History Channel
House Hunters International at 10:30 p.m. on HGTV
For movie lovers:
The Godfather, Part II on AMC
The Notebook on ENC
Eye See You on FLIX
Dear John on FXM
Step Brothers on FX
The Warriors on IFC
Blood Diamond on REELZ
Heathers on SUND
Girl Crazy on TCM
Blessed at 9:40 p.m. on FLIX
Horrible Bosses at 9:40 p.m. on MOMAX
Prometheus at 10 p.m. on CINEMAX
Tower Heist at 10 p.m. on HBO
W. at 10 p.m. on TMC
When Harry Met Sally at 10:10 p.m. on ENC
The Beach at 10:30 p.m. on HBO
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