WASHINGTON, January, 27, 2012 - Martin is in his late thirties and depressed. He is fatigued, can’t concentrate, or make decisions. His mood is sad and irritable, and he thinks about suicide. “I know how I screwed up my life a few months ago,” said Martin, “But it seems like it was someone else doing it, not me.”
Six months ago, Martin was agitated with an overabundance of energy, spent more money than he had, talked constantly, and felt invincible. “I told my supervisor to “f” off when he said I was joking around too much with other employees. He fired me and I thought screw him.”
“I wasn’t sleeping and was often out drinking all night. Before long, there was no money to pay the bills.”
Friends tried to help but couldn’t. Jeff and Mark, his sons, avoided Martin’s aggressive behavior. Linda eventually told him to leave the house and started divorce proceedings. “I knew I was doing fine, no matter what anyone told me,” continued Martin. “I thought everything happening was someone else’s fault and I really didn’t care anyway.”
Martin is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He cycles between extreme mood states, or mood episodes. For periods of time he is in the sad and hopeless state of depression. Then, he flips to the opposite pole and becomes manic: “wired” on happiness, irritable, and impulsive.
Eventually, he nose-dives back into a depression, and the cycle repeats.
One difficulty of managing bipolar disorder is that mania feels great while you remain manic. Who wouldn’t want to feel invincible and have an incredible amount of energy? Martin said, “I stop taking medication when I get really manic. Mania feels so good I don’t want to bring myself down with pills.”
“I feel powerful when I’m manic. People sound crazy when they tell me something is wrong. Feeling that energy and strength seems right at the time. After coming out of a depression, I always take my bipolar meds faithfully until I catch a taste of being on top of everything. Then, screw the meds.”
“It’s like I’m either the tortoise stuck in the mud, or the hare on steroids. Nobody wins.”
Once depression sets in, Martin can see the carnage he has left in his manic wake. Because of the depressive symptoms he does not have the interest, hopefulness, or energy to deal effectively with the debris. Add to that his sense of shame
“I feel horrible for hurting my sons and my wife, and my friends. When I’m manic, I feel indifferent to what I lose. Nothing phases me. Now I’m ashamed at the mess I’ve made, and this isn’t the first time. What’s worse is that I know if I am manic again, I’ll do the same things.”
People who have intense bipolar symptoms have difficulty reaching career or other goals. “My life stops and starts so much, I don’t think I’ll ever have a successful career as a comedian, which is what I love, to make people laugh. The problem is, I’m only good at it when I’m at least a little manic, and I spend about half my life depressed.”
“When I’m 'on' and I’ve got people laughing I’m ecstatic, I love it, although I’ve been told when I get really wired my jokes are kind of crude. I don’t notice.”
“When I’m depressed, like now, all I can think about is what I haven’t done, and what I have done and wasted. I don’t contact my sons often. I don’t know what to say to them, and I haven’t been the best dad. I want them to be proud of me but that’s not going to happen. I know, I know, having bipolar isn’t my fault, but the consequences are mine.”
“The hardest thing for me, when the depression lifts, is keeping a daily routine and taking my meds after I get to what I call the “ho hum” place. Not depressed, not happy, just sandwiched between. It’s so blah that once I taste the mania again, I’m afraid I’ll be off and running.”
“At least when I’m manic I feel good about myself, for a while.”
Martin’s experience with bipolar disorder is unique to him. Though anyone with bipolar symptoms can relate to Martin, he does not represent everyone with this disorder. To learn more about bipolar disorder, including treatments, risk factors, and medications available, go to Healthline.com.
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