WASHINGTON, May 20, 2013 — End pressure cooker terror, NOW!
With the apparent failure of the Senate to cram gun registration and background checks into the American Book of Laws, it’s time this country and Congress to follow the president’s lead, and do something about the easy availability of pressure cookers.
“We aren’t talking about taking pressure cookers away from legitimate cooks,” said [sic] President Obama, “but it’s time for some sensible limitations on just who can buy and own these potential terror weapons.”
With Boston’s carnage fresh in our minds, and with the police checking surveillance tapes as far away as Cleveland, it’s obvious that the ongoing threat of pressure cookers must be addressed.
First, we need to register all known pressure cookers in America. Such a database will enable future law enforcement authorities to target and investigate known pressure cooker owners, rather than waste their time looking in every rogue kitchen in America.
Pressure cookers that are registered to legitimate cooks, schools, and community centers will be accounted for; only illegal pressure cookers will attract police attention.
Second, high-capacity pressure cookers, cookers with more than four liters capacity, need to be banned outright, or licensed to military and state-run kitchens and to pre-approved industrial feeding services that can demonstrate the proper storage and handling of such devices.
FBI-approved training will be required for individual ownership of high-capacity pressure cookers, and their transfer will be tightly regulated and require the owners to submit to an extensive background check and pay a $300 permit fee. Only illegal immigrants will be exempted from the background checks, since their backgrounds are necessarily hard to research.
“Now, I know that most owners of pressure cookers use them responsibly, to put food on the table,” said Obama, speaking on CNN to Candy Crowley, “but there is just no place for these high-capacity pressure cookers in a civilized democracy. I mean, who really needs to eat that much food? I don’t over-feed my girls; I want them to be healthy. I don’t eat too much myself, either.”
The president refused to comment on his wife’s eating habits. “Michelle has needs, as a self-described single mother,” he said.
The president was optimistic for his proposed legislation’s success. “I already control the Senate and a large part of the House,” he noted; “and the Supreme Court will undoubtedly see this effort as a tax, so I’m cool there, too.” Noting that the news media “will support whatever I want,” he predicted highly-supportive poll numbers for the measures.
Background checks for potential buyers of pressure cookers will look for prior irresponsible or anti-social acts, such as contributing to tea party organizations. Further, previous convictions for such infractions as burning beans and scorching vegetables will result in comprehensive retraining or outright bans on ownership of pressure cookers.
Pressure cookers that are kept solely in museums or as part of a nostalgic collection may be kept by adults (over the age of 21), but must be rendered permanently inoperative, typically by removing the lid’s locking mechanism; and their retention, under appropriate security protocols, will be subject to no-knock checks by all law-enforcement personnel, from FBI and local law enforcement, to the FDA.
The president did not neglect to show his compassionate side. “Because we recognize that this may be a hardship for some families of color,” he said, “the federal government is setting up pressure cooker turn-in stations, where any disadvantaged adult [“disadvantaged” was later clarified as any adult of color, and expanded to any adult receiving any form of welfare] may turn in up to three pressure cookers of any age, in any condition, and receive a check card for each, in the amount of $500. This small contribution from the government will help these underprivileged families overcome the additional hardship they alone face from this necessary legislation.”
Democratic strategists observed that it will also ensure continued monolithic support from such voter blocs, and help the re-election of Democrats in 2014.
Bowing to almost immediate pressure from within his party, the president expanded the turn-in program to include families of union members, AARP members, and retired military officers, above the equivalent rank of Major.
The turn-in centers are to be found at voter-registration kiosks in most big-city malls, inner-city churches, veteran’s hospitals, and all Planned Parenthood facilities.
Spokesman Jay Carney chimed in, after the president left the podium: “It’s past time for this kind of sensible regulation, to protect the American public from the kinds of terror that unlicensed, untracked pressure cookers make so easy for anybody – ANYbody to inflict.”
Noting that, as is the case with pressure cookers, there is no vocal, well-organized nail lobby, and no constitutional protection for either pressure cookers or nails, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, in comments to the assembled media, admitted that “Similar regulations are being readied for nails.”
The rhetoric does not change; only the targets, only the “reasons” behind the incessant need for more government control and fewer civil liberties. This apocryphal “news story” is about pressure cooker control; it may as well be about guns, or alcohol, or “killer cars” (the cars that kill their drivers without even waking them up ― a topic for a future column).(The above is satire and not intended to really mean that President Obama is going to ban pressure cookers…)
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