LOS ANGELES, March 31, 2013 — As Christians celebrate their holy Easter Sunday and Jews are in the middle of their holiday Passover, baseball fans like my friend Kevin Wells begin their religious observances with the start of the 2013 Major League Baseball season. Those who violate Kevin’s only commandment, “Thou shalt not ever criticize baseball,” receive a lashing.
Then lash me. I prostrate myself for the good of humanity. Let me spare others and perish for my sin of speaking the truth. Baseball is boring. It is colossally, mind-numbingly boring. Kevin’s past responses have been to claim that “Baseball is a thinking man’s sport, and therefore not for everyone. Baseball is not for meatheads. Baseball is not for people who are dead from the neck up.” Those who agree with Kevin should read his “Wells on Baseball” column where he finds joy in watching grass grow.
Most of the results are pre-determined. One player on the Yankees (Derek Jeter) has a larger salary than the entire Houston Astros team. If Occupy Wall Street truly wants a cause worth attacking, they should Occupy the Yankees.
Yet even if the game had a salary cap and non-guaranteed contracts like the National Football League, nothing will change the fact that baseball is a boring sport for those like columnist George Will, who like to wax poetic about nothingness while seeming deep and meaningful. Large stretches of baseball games involve delays between bouts of other delays.
So in the holiday spirit, let’s cancel baseball season and replace it with some beautiful religious traditions.
Christians have Easter egg hunts and Easter egg rolls. Children do not need to be taken to the ballgame for peanuts and Crackerjacks. They can be given paintbrushes and permission to paint the eggs any colors they want. They can search for them in scavenger hunt contests. They can then roll them in a spirited competition. President Obama briefly threatened to cancel the White House Easter egg festivities due to sequester budget cuts. Let the New York Yankees pay for it. Remember: “It’s for the children.”
Passover has the Afikomen hunt. The major ritual in Passover is the Seder, a festive meal. During the meal, unleavened bread known as matzoh is broken in half. The larger half is the Afikomen. It is placed in a napkin and hidden somewhere in the house. The child who finds the Afikomen gets a prize. Matzoh is similar to a box of Crackerjacks, except with a flavor closer to cardboard than caramel.
Not since ESPN 8 “The Ocho” covered the “Dodgeball” championships has there been such an appropriate time for the opposite of extreme sports. Watching children search for eggs and matzoh is more interesting than watching a bunch of guys play baseball for 162 games.
Everything comes down to television rights. People will watch the Pope’s Midnight Mass. Will they watch hours of televised coverage of children searching for food? Could this be the youthful version of the Amazing Race?
Replace the baseball games and let’s find out.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian who is obsessed with the National Football League. There is no offseason. Every February he pretends to care about other sports while sobbing uncontrollably each Sunday until September. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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