WASHINGTON, March 19, 2013 — It is time for March Madness and my predictions that may be obsolete by tip-off. Take all your chips, and move them away from the table. Bet as little as possible.
I know absolutely nothing about college basketball. I care even less. To me the SEC is the Securities and Exchange Commission. It would be nice if the world never had to hear Dick Vitale say the word “baby” ever again. Vitale resembles the profile of every third criminal on “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.”
(Then again, the show does have an anti-bald white guy bias.)
Schools should be banned from the tournament unless the name of the school tells people where the school is located. Even people who went to public school know where the Universities of North Carolina and Kentucky are located.
Cal Poly Tech should have made the tournament for this reason, but there seems to be some anti-technical college bigotry as “Techs” rarely make the tournament in large members. Then again, people don’t go to technical colleges for their athletics programs to begin with.
Nobody knows what the heck a Creighton is. Identifying a cretin is easier. Who are these Lamar and Xavier fellows and how did they get schools named after them? Xavier might be a fictional word. Olivia Newton-John starred in that movie (or was that “Xanadu?”).
Belmont is where they race horses. Some would suggest giving Duke an exemption, but this cannot happen. They claim to have high academic standards, yet the head coach cannot even pronounce his own surname. How people get a “K” out of “Sha-shev-sky” is beyond me, although public schools might explain it.
Anyway, onto the tournament itself.
The brackets get ripped up by frustrated office gamblers after the first day. Even betting on the favorite every year can be perilous. So this year it is time to go bold.
Neither Brooklyn College or the Florida Atlantic University Owls made the NCAA Tournament. Therefore, LIU Brooklyn will win it all (Stony Brook and Hofstra would have violated the location identity rule anyway). While some will call their team name “Blackbirds” racist, this makes them the choice of people tired of political correctness.
So why do they use the acronym “LIU” instead of just saying Long Island University? Because nobody admits to being from Long Island. Brooklyn is cool. Long Island is…well, something. While LIU does have various campuses on Long Island, LIU Brooklyn is all Brooklyn, 100% Long Island free.
For those who have never been to Long Island, save your money. There is no reason to go whatsoever. I was raised there for 18 long years, and to understand my area would be to understand the “20 minute rule.” If you started from my home and drove 20 minutes in any direction, there was…something.
We were 20 minutes from Stony Brook, 20 minutes from the Smithhaven Mall, and 20 minutes from Port Jefferson. We had to drive to Brooklyn to find “stuff.”
So these will be an angry group of Blackbirds with a chip on their shoulders come game time. On the one hand, they will be thrilled to be in the tournament. On the other hand, they will be insulted to be mistaken for Long Islanders from nowhereville.
Sure, some people favor Kentucky and North Carolina, but those areas are famous for tobacco. Somehow Kentucky made the NIT tournament, although nobody knows why that contest exists. Does the champion yell, “We’re number 69!” As for North Carolina, leftist anti-smoking zealots should root against them.
Returning to Long Island, not everybody there is an elitist snob hanging out in the Hamptons. Most people there are just middle-class workers trying to survive under sky-high property taxes. Yet Brooklynites are the true everymen. They have a never-say-die fighting spirit.
The Blackbirds can just peck their opponents’ eyes out. Then the opponents will be too blind to shoot baskets. Let the top Blackbird take on five opponents solo style. For those who doubt an entire entity could be beaten by one person in battle, Libya once lost a war to a guy named Chad.
LIU Brooklyn is exactly what people thought they were. So to quote Dennis Green, I say we “crown their @ss” right now and just skip the whole tournament. After all, playing these games forestalls the inevitable and subjects America to Dick Vitale. Nobody deserves that.
For those who disagree with me and insist in hating on Brooklyn, go make your own incorrect predictions.
For those who pretend to care about women’s basketball, Tennessee and Connecticut won every year until Pat Summitt retired. Without her, they should just cancel the tournament.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian who is obsessed with the National Football League. There is no offseason. Every February he pretends to care about other sports while sobbing uncontrollably each Sunday until September. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS site.
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