TUCKER, Georgia, Feb. 26, 2013 – I’ve been living in fear for some time now. But, I can finally admit it: I’ve been afraid of what might be lurking around the corner.
After some cursory investigation work, I’m certain someone – or something – is trying to kill me. And, the perp could strike at any time.
Maybe I’ll “accidentally” turn into oncoming traffic or “inadvertently” stumble off the side of a mountain. You see, I’m convinced my GPS is trying to kill me.
It sounds crazy, I know. But, stick with me, anyhow, and consider the facts.
Just the other day, as I was heading out for a casual lunch, I turned to my trusted GPS to guide me on my journey. She said to turn right, even though it was obvious to everyone in the free world I needed to turn left.
There’s no explanation except for the fact that’s she’s plotting to assassinate me (of course, if I knew to turn left, you could also ask why I needed the GPS, but I digress).
So, I bucked her suggestion, and I turned left. She recalculated the entire way. While I won this round, I could tell she was stewing, plotting for when she would next exact her plot.
I first became concerned some years ago when my wife and I were out and about on a leisurely drive. Looking out our port – also know as left – window, we admired the scenery 40,000 feet below (estimated distance).
“Turn left in one-quarter mile,” she alerted us. Oh, really?
It’s possible there’s some sort of road ahead, we thought to ourselves. A quarter mile ahead, she demanded we turn. But, there was no road. Rather than pull an Arlo Guthrie and plunge off the side of a mountain (for those lost, check out “The Motorcycle Song (Significance of the Pickle)” – it’ll clear matters up), we continued straight ahead.
Now, I understand roads sometimes change or they are re-aligned over time. But, what concerns me is there could never have been a road here.
That leads me to ask one simple question: Why else would the GPS unit – seemingly harmlessly named Karen – tell us to turn here? Exactly, she’s doing the bidding of the grim reaper.
While Karen, a standalone GPS unit, is no longer with us, I’m worried she today haunts my GPS-enabled cellular device. That’s why I’m considering reverting to the old standby – a printed atlas.
I think this notion of a murderous GPS unit is a real problem facing the country, and I’m convinced we need congressional action to ban all GPS units from intentionally luring motorists off the side of a mountain.
If only there was some way we could petition The White House to take action.
Besides, what else could be this pressing?
Todd DeFeo is an award-winning reporter and marketer, but his true passion is seeking out the bizarre roadside attractions, one-of-a-kind roadhouses and unique destinations that make the world worth exploring. He is also editor of The Travel Trolley travel blog. Follow Todd DeFeo on Twitter and Facebook.
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