COLORADO SPRINGS, CO, April 1, 2013 — Colorado Representative Joe Salazar (D) announced today that he was introducing a bill to limit the number of feathers on a badminton shuttlecock to no more than 15. The ban will also include shuttlecocks that are readily convertible to hold more than 15 feathers.
Professional-grade shuttlecocks used in match play have 16 individual white feathers. The more common ones used recreationally have a one-piece plastic skirt instead.
In New York, Mayor Michael “Nanny” Bloomberg signaled his approval of the ban. Governor Andrew Coumo was reported to have commented, “You don’t need 15 feathahs to kill a deah!”
USA Badminton, headquartered in Colorado Springs, released a press release denouncing the ban and saying that they will join USA Shooting in leaving Colorado.
PETA came out in support of the initiative, saying that the white feathers came from …some bird. A PETA supporter clad only in white feathers was seen freezing in Denver yesterday as she approached the Capitol, preparing to testify in favor of the ban.
Sen. Evie Hudak noted that, statistically, the extra feather would not protect women from attackers. “I mean,” she said, looking up from her fashion magazine, “that even with all the feathers in place, you’re asking for trouble.”
In a related measure, Democrats in the Colorado senate will limit the size of badminton racquets to no more than 22 oz.
Jesse Jackson Jr., reached at his prison cell for comment, said the whole issue was racist. “Shuttlecocks are white,” he noted.
Feminists said the use of the word “skirt” is sexist and discriminatory.
Libertarians said you should be able to use whatever shuttlecocks you wanted to but suggested the best shuttlecocks are made of hemp.
Environmentalists disagreed, saying shuttlecocks should be made exclusively of bamboo.
Constitutional Conservatives agreed with the Libertarians, noting that badminton began in the 17th century and was definitely covered in the phrase “…the Pursuit of Happiness.”
Progressives who control the Colorado legislature said that the Constitution is a living document and that plastics weren’t invented until the concept of “plastic” was invented in the movie The Graduate. Therefore, plastic shuttlecocks could be protected but real shuttlecocks were just an historical anachronism and could be regulated. (Actually, they didn’t use the word “anachronism” because the word itself is an anachronism; they used the word “thing.”)
House Republicans were left scratching their heads while House Democrats went outside to smoke a joint.
Testimony was scheduled to be heard Wednesday, but will likely be re-scheduled at least twice before opponents are silenced.
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