WASHINGTON, July 28, 2011 — As the ongoing budget debate reaches its theater-of-the-absurd climax this weekend, or perhaps the first of several, we thought it might be a good idea to commence a contemporary revival of Ambrose Bierce’s original “Devil’s Dictionary.” Eventually published in hardcover around the turn of the last century, this once popular compendium of satirical dictionary entries was this journalist-author’s witty attempt to explain the contemporary spin placed on perfectly ordinary terminology in the service of scoundrels.
As we can see in the days running down to America’s real or imagined fiscal Armageddon this week, words and phrases really do matter. Politicians instinctively know this, bobbing, weaving, and sidestepping around prickly issues, using weasel words to distract your attention, and evading questions by steering the topic back to thoroughly memorized talking points.
Unfortunately, the average American is pretty straightforward and tends to take words at their face value. We say unfortunately, because that puts your average dude or dudette at a distinct disadvantage, since politicians:
- Rarely say what they mean
- Love to use presumably straightforward terms they’ve secretly re-defined
- Lie outright when all else fails
Our “New Devil’s Dictionary” (patent pending) series will generally consist of a single word, an old definition, a new definition, and a bit of casual and hopefully interesting on-topic blather. But, given the intensity of current politicking—and its danger to your wallet—we thought we’d issue a reasonably full, normally formatted glossary of terms you’ll probably hear tossed around quite a lot this week by Capitol Hill, the White House, and the punditocracy. Of course, it’s our glossary, fair and balanced and backed by this writer's full faith and credit which, arguably, is more bankable than the Federal government's at this point.
Snake oil, anyone? Taken from an old 1950s magazine ad.
Let the wild rumpus begin:
Bipartisan: When the Democrats win.
Budget: For Republicans: A spreadsheet similar to a corporate P&L statement. For Democrats: A right brain phantasm funded by an endless supply of OPM (Other People’s Money), and a conviction, borne out of a profound ignorance of capitalism, that there will always, magically, be more OPM.
Budget cuts: Tea Party definition: Less money for less government programs right now. Democrats’ definition: slowing the rate of tax increases. Or, better yet, changing the terminology. (See also: fee, out years.)
Bush tax cuts: Currently in force via an extension slated to expire next year. Originally enacted in 2001 and 2003 to help offset the twin fiscal disasters caused by the Clinton-dot.bomb recession (2000-2001) and the 9/11 attacks. They were sold as “temporary” while Republicans intended to make them permanent and are now a major bone of contention. Republicans still want to make them permanent. Democrats want to let them expire, paradoxically allowing tax rates to go back up to Clinton-era levels while—technically—“not increasing taxes,” since those rates are actually the “normal” rates. (The Bush cuts, again, were “temporary.”) In effect, dropping these cuts will be a tax increase to the average American. But, technically, Democrats can claim that this is not a tax increase. Repubs could claim this too. Watch for it in this and successive debates. A classic example of why Washington is now largely unintelligible to the rest of the country.
Costing the government: Saving you money.
Crony capitalism: Politicians strolling hand in hand with fat cat donors who are thereby further enriched via favorable legislation. Urban legend: Crony capitalists support only the Republicans. Actual fact: Nearly all the wealthiest ones are traditional, heavy donors to the Democrats. (See also GE.)
Cuts: See budget cuts.
Cutting waste and fraud: Making fine speeches and doing nothing.
Demagoguery: Any sentence uttered by a Republican.
Entitlements: Bribes to various large classes of voters, funded by recycling taxpayer dollars to favored constituent groups.
Fair, fairness: When uttered by a Democrat, check your wallet.
Federal taxes: 1. Punishment for the 50% of Americans who make more money than the other 50% who don’t pay them. 2. A recycling scheme perfected by America’s Socialist Party to disincentivize the productive and purchase the votes of the indolent.
Fee: Weasel word for tax. As in “It’s not a tax. It’s a fee.”
“For the children”: For the unions.
GE: The company formerly known as General Electric. Now a massive conglomerate with a TARP bailed-out finance arm that pays no taxes. The company’s CEO, recently appointed by President Obama as chairman of the White House Council on Jobs and Competitiveness, has steadily laid off employees and shuttered U.S. plants since 2009 while building plants and creating thousands of jobs in China and India. As James Taranto noted in yesterday's WSJ online:
- "Immelt: Businesses Must Do More on Jobs"--headline, CNN.com, July 11
- "GE Moving X-Ray Business to China"--headline, Bloomberg, July 26
(See also Crony capitalism.)
Hateful: Anything proposed by a Republican.
Investments: Tax expenditures. A brilliant Clinton-era coinage.
Leadership: Playing golf.
Loophole: Scurrilous synonym for legal tax breaks written into the tax code to incentivize favored individual and business behaviors. The word is often deployed incorrectly by Democrats to demonize middle class Americans. (See also "the rich.")
Mean-spirited: Anything proposed by a Republican.
Medicare: Socialized medicine. An “entitlement.” A program—actually an adjunct to the 1965 Social Security Act revision—championed by Lyndon Johnson and initially used as a distraction from the Vietnam War. Like Social Security, it’s also running out of money and slated to be silently gutted circa 2014 to help fund Obamacare, which will necessitate throwing many wheelchair-bound grandmothers over the cliff.
Middle-class: Aka, the petit bourgeoisie of Karl Marx. That segment of the American population whose primary task is funding the Federal government, enriching the upper classes, and subsidizing the lower classes. Republicans feebly support them. Democrats claim to support them while helping themselves to their money to buy votes. President Obama claims to support them as well but works tirelessly to eliminate them, as they are the main obstacle to the creation of a Worker’s Paradise and the New World Order.
Millionaire: Any couple or small business making $250,000 or more.
Out years: A magical, mythical time when budget cuts are supposed to take place but never do. (See also "over ten years.")
"Over ten years": Something that will never happen. Stasis. Entropy. When referring to budget cuts, usually means no cuts now. Proposed cuts allegedly occur far in the future, preferably after one or two elections, enabling proposing legislators to hang on and increase the size of their pensions whilst virtuously preening all along.
Partisan: When the Republicans win.
Plan: For Republicans: A budget or law that is written down and available for scrutiny and debate. For Democrats: Anything you cannot see or cannot read, which therefore cannot be debated or refuted. For President Obama: Something that never existed and never will exist, enabling the President to shoot at existing plans while his own—since it lacks temporal existence—cannot be attacked.
Real: Something that is patently false. As in "climate change is real."
Reckless and irresponsible: Anything proposed by a Republican.
Revenue: Tax receipts.
Revenue enhancement: Tax increase.
Revenue neutral: Tax rates remain the same while fees are increased.
Risky: Any fiscal solution proposed by any Republican. (A favorite term of the Goracle.)
Shared sacrifice: Monetary punishment for anyone who has a job except for heavy Democrat donors. (See also GE.)
Social Security: An “entitlement.” A Roosevelt-era retirement supplement program gradually filled with bloat ware and now used as a terrorist tool by Democrats running for re-election. A massive Ponzi scheme that will run out of money because it’s being funded by a shrinking demographic. Or, one that has already run out of money since it’s already been spent on other programs by greedy, lying politicians, and is, hence, covered by current tax dollars, not saved and safely invested dollars.
Static scoring (no change in behavior among the taxed): An urban accounting legend, long favored by creative Democrats’ number crunchers. Viz., the assumption that when taxes are increased or tax advantages are eliminated, no individual or corporation affected by such actions will react to alter his, her, or its spending behavior or place of residence. As in California, Illinois, or New York, all of which continue to assume that soaring state tax rates will not drive businesses and individuals out of these states.
Take away: As in the fantasy statement: “Republicans want to take away your grandmother’s Medicare.” In reality, actually refers to the methodology of Obamacare, a significant amount of whose funding is derived from gutting Medicare, thus actually taking it away from Grandma. In stark reality, it will run out of money anyway. Alternate definition: A home-cooked meal for Manhattanites.
“Tax cuts for the wealthy”: Incentives for small businesses to hire more people (in this country, not China or India. (See also GE.)
“The rich”: Any couple or small business making $250,000 or more, unless they are registered Democrats.
Unfair: Something that helps the middle class or small businesses.
Stay tuned. Like Yogi Berra said, "It ain't over 'til it's over."
Read more of Terry's news and reviews at Curtain Up! in the Entertain Us neighborhood of the Washington Times Communities. For Terry's investing insights, visit his WT Communities column, The Prudent Man in Politics.
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