Sexual orientation is a sensitive and very political topic, but certainly not one you’d think of when referencing the orientation of small children. But it has been at the center of a recent controversy over parents of very young boys who have allowed them to dress as girls in public.
It all started when a mom, Sarah, blogged about her decision to allow her son, “Boo”, to dress as the cartoon character Daphne from Scooby Doo this past Halloween. In her Nerdy Apple Bottom blog, Sarah posted a photo of her son in the costume, prompting instant fury, outrage and thousands of comments. The blog post, titled "My son is Gay" has received over 3 million hits, and while some of the comments are supporting, many of them are negative and come from other mothers who have said it is inappropriate for a boy to dress in a girl’s costume, even for Halloween.
Boo
Granted heterosexual men routinely dress as female characters for Halloween, High Schools usually have fun role reversals where the football team dresses as "powder puff" girls during Homecoming, and no one bats an eye at the little girl who draws on a fake mustache or dresses like a male mechanic or a businessman for Halloween. Still, there is little societal tolerance for boys dressing as girls. Boo's mom, Sarah said she doesn't want society to control her or her son.
“I don’t want my children to give in to what the world expects of them,” she said in a segment on the Today Show this week. “No matter what he turns into as a grown up…doesn’t matter to me because he is my son.”
This week, People magazine shared the story of mom and author Cheryl Kilodavis who this summer self-published a book “My Princess Boy” about her now 5-year old son Dyson who has preferred to dress like a girl since age two. Kilodavis said she wrote the book in response to the negative reactions she and her son would get as they would walk through the mall or pick out girly outfits for him to wear in stores. Photos of Dyson in sparkly jewelry, tutus and girly dresses have been circulating around the net in recent days since the Kilodavis’ began talking openly about their son and the book in the media. Kilodavis said she wrote the book and shared it with the school so it could be used as a tool for teachers, day care centers, summer camps and afterschool programs to address bullying and promote tolerance. Some have accused her of “pimping” her son to get a national publisher and sell her book.
Dyson’s father, Dean Kilodavis has said, “I just want him to be happy and healthy and if this is the form he chooses to express himself, this is fine.” The couple’s immediate reaction wasn’t so supportive initially. The Kilodavis’ said they spoke to doctors and psychologists about gender confusion and Cherly said when her son first asked for a dress she immediately took him out to buy more boy play clothes. They said the professionals they sought eventually told them their son is a healthy and happy boy who just likes to dress like a girl.
Those who have expressed support for these parents have said that just because these little boys are dressing like a girl does not mean they will eventually be gay or trans-gendered. Others have criticized the families, saying they are setting up their child to be bullied and ridiculed in a world that does not accept gender-bending, especially from children at such a young age.
Kilodavis told Meredith Vieria on the Today show this week that her son is “driving the agenda” and that as a parent, her job is to love and support her child no matter what his choices and preferences are.
Socially, the United States and much of the world are more comfortable with transgender and homosexual expression. Television shows during prime time viewing hours, like one of my favorites, Modern Family, show homosexual couples and families. Shows that target teens like Degrassi High: The Next Generation and Dawson's Creek have shown gay teen characters in relationships.
The portrayals of gay people in the media on a television show in average scenarios for example are contributing to more acceptance of gay people and the gay lifestyle, much to the chagrin of family values advocates. The increase in positive portrayals of gay families may have contributed to alleviating the instances of suicide by young people who may be grappling with being sexually attracted to members of their own gender while dealing with society, familial, and institutional pressure to conform. There is no doubt that modern acceptance of homosexuality has encouraged teenagers to come out of the closet even while many say at that young age many teens are experiencing a surge of emotions and may not have settled on any one orientation yet.
Still, some believe so firmly in their orientation that they are challenging traditional institutions. The most recent example is of Mississippi teen Constance McMillan who wanted to wear a tux and take her girlfriend to her senior prom but was denied to do so by school officials. The insistence from the American Civil Liberties Union asking the school to reverse its decision and permit McMillan to attend prom prompted the school to cancel prom altogether and a widely publicized law suit that was later settled out of court.
I’ve noticed that the changing times are also impacting minority communities. Blacks and Hispanics traditionally apprehensive and less supportive of homosexuality than whites. However, in recent years, there has been a surge of black youth, in urban areas coming out the closet and finding solace in a growing and outward community of other young black youth. I’ve noticed it locally in the Washington, DC area over the past couple of decades. There has been an emergence of gay teens that are feeling so comfortable with their sexuality that they are hanging out openly in packs at the movies and other high-traffic entertainment districts. Take a trip to Union Station or Chinatown on any given weekend night and you’ll see what I mean. At first glance it appears to be average boys in hip hop gear but upon closer inspection, you'll notice mixed among them are some boys dressed in female clothing and some in unconventional “anarchist” type clothing. It’s an interesting sight to see indeed.
All of it goes back to the nature versus nurture debate. Many people, including some religious people, believe that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice and that it is a parent’s job to avert what looks like a child or teenager leaning towards homosexual orientation. To not do so would be doing a disservice to the child, they say. Others believe that a child’s orientation is predisposed at birth to be revealed as he or she grows and that there is nothing that a parent can do the alter that. Indeed, in Hollywood, Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt, have gotten lots of criticism for dressing their daughter Shiloh like a boy. Angelina has said it is because Shiloh prefers dressing like a boy.
It may be a sign of the times or an indication that more liberal and liberally-minded parents are willing to indulge children’s gender-bending preferences. Notwithstanding all of that, parents have to face the reality of how their liberal parenting skills can impact their children when they go out in the world. It is still very difficult for an adult to cope with the pain, pressure and isolation of being gay. Children as young as 2 and 5 have no reason to be having sexual preferences anyway, and having to deal with all those stresses. Even if there is a belief that all humans are hardwired towards a preference or orientation from birth or not, it is still a grown-up conversation and issue that adults have to resolve for their children.
Even though society has come a long way, it is still not at a point where outward showing of whatever it means to be gay is accepted among small children. True a parents job is to show unconditional love, but part of that love is not setting up a child for being bullied or ridiculed, or allowing them to be the poster child for non-conformity or to go against the grain so much that they cannot focus on just being a kid. A parent can certainly encourage a child that may eventually turn out to be gay by simply avoid using hateful words to describe homosexuals. They could live their own lives aware and open to the reality that gay, transsexuals and transgendered people exist in the world. Making the acknowledgement in of itself will not “encourage” a child to turn out gay, if there is such a thing.
Indeed, as a parent, you do not want to be the one who drives your child to suicide because you express such extreme disapproval of what could be signs that the child may be gay that the child feels no other alternative but to take her own life.
CNN’s Dr. Jeff Gardere, a clinical psychologist, got a little heat for responding to the Daphne Halloween costume story by saying "It is the worst nightmare of heterosexual and the gay couples to have to fathom that their child might be gay.”
He wasn’t totally off base. Many parents may have a difficult time coming to grips with a child that turns out to be gay, but it has more to do with the knowledge that gay people face an uphill battle in life. Even gay couples who have experienced the trials of growing up gay can attest to how difficult it is. Most parents would prefer their child have pain-free and easy lives.
Notwithstanding all of that, so long as a child is healthy, educated, and grows to be a contributing to society and living a healthy and productive life, being gay is certainly no “nightmare” by any stretch of the imagination. Ask any parent who has had to bury a child, care for a terminally or severely ill child or one dealing with a depilating disease or one who has had to commit a child for having uncontrolled violent behavior or visit a teenage child in jail and they’d say “nightmare” is definitely a relative term.
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