WASHINGTON, January 16, 2013 ― In an inept bid to protect ‘children’ from everything except lifelong poverty, New York state has passed into law the strictest gun control measures in the country. The legal definition of what constitutes an assault rifle was greatly broadened, to the extent of being ridiculous.
The style of hand-grip or the appearance of the end of the barrel – two features that have no impact on lethality – are enough to earn a rifle the stigma being labled an assault rifle. While the previous legal definition required two features from a rather long list, the presence of only one is now enough to make a rifle an assault rifle, and therefore banned.
New York residents are now required to register any existing firearms that are categorized as assault weapons per the new definition. Governor Cuomo has hinted that he may decide to impose further definitional changes in the future.
The law reduces the maximum capacity magazine to seven bullets, down from nine. It also requires background checks for ammunition purchases, and sales must be reported to the state with details including the amount of ammunition purchased. This will facilitate later detention of the purchaser.
A very poorly thought out, blanket approach has been taken to address mental health concerns. The law requires therapists to report to the state any of their patients who have a pulse so that they can be denied the right to purchase firearms, and so that any firearms they currently own can be seized.
The law does stipulate that the patient present a “threat,” but therapists are unlikely to take many chances that they will be held liable if a patient shoots someone. The Hippocratic oath now includes a “cover your rear” provision.
This will of course have a significant and immediate impact on the decision of some people to seek mental therapy, as they know that they will be reported to the state and possibly banned from ever purchasing a firearm. Should the zombie apocalypse ever occur, they’ll be completely helpless.
As the financial sector is blossoming, Governor Cuomo is apparently unconcerned about negative impact. There are some indications that it briefly crossed his mind, as freezing some accounts linked to firearms manufacturers was one step taken to get his constituents used to the idea of capital controls.
According to a suspected terrorist group known as the NRA, the lawmakers “trampled the rights of law-abiding gun owners of New York, and they did it under a veil of secrecy in the dark of night.”
The after-party however, lasted long into the morning. State legislators were allegedly high-fiving each other considering all the new hires that would be required to search homes for weapons, more than offsetting the 1,500 manufacturing jobs lost to Texas, or potentially China. Speaking of the gestapo, their induction oath was also changed to avoid conflict with orders to “OK, so help me Obama.”
The new oath drew some timid criticisms from three legislators in the New York senate, which had them promptly declared a danger to society by their therapists, tackled on the senate floor and removed before they could open fire.
This evening Governor Cuomo is hosting a marshmallow roast to celebrate, with special guest Beyonce performing kumbaya.
A rush order of 100,000 souvenir copies of the US Constitution were ordered to fuel the blaze.
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