WASHINGTON, June 22, 2013 ― Inspired by the “Toy Gun” buyback program recently initiated by Hayward California’s Strobridge Elementary School principal Charles Hill, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to announce today White House backing of a new “Imaginary Gun” buyback program.
“We have been plagued by a recent rash of imaginary gun incidents in our nation’s schools,” said Biden spokesman Aldous Orwell. “Children live in terror because of rampant imagination.”
Step One of the program would entail registration of imaginary weapons in a National Imaginary Terror Weapon Information Tracking System (NITWITS).
Educators will help students fill out a form from NITWITS to see if their imaginations are producing unacceptable thoughts involving a weapon of any kind.
Once the initial database has been created, “At Risk” students will be identified, removed from their regular classes, and subjected to a more rigorous investigation by NITWITS.
Those who insist on clinging to their imaginary guns, will be required to undergo a voluntary self-criticism program.
If their NITWITS counselor is satisfied that the student understands the danger of imagining things that the state deems unacceptable, they will be passed on to Step Two of the program.
Step Two will involve conditioning the “At Risk” students to “trade-in” their unacceptable actions, like pointing their fingers and saying “bang,” or pretending to hold a sword while making “schwing” or “ting! tang!” sounds, for more correct thoughts - like rejecting gender stereotypes, or performing community service activities.
This conditioning will require extensive one-on-one sessions with a State Appointed Social Service counselor. The program aims to establish an SASS presence in every public school to ensure that student imagination is carefully monitored and directed.
“Little boys shouldn’t be imagining shooting a gun or fighting a dragon,” explained Orwell. “A six-year-old should be examining his sexual orientation or thinking about ways he can help make Hope and Change happen.”
Orwell stated that the purpose of the public school system was not just to educate, but to reeducate. “A lot of these misguided young people get strange ideas from their parents. It is our duty to correct these thoughts and set these young minds on a path to meaningful community service.”
Students who complete Step Two of the program will be presented with a Xeroxed copy of an autographed picture of either Barrack or Michelle Obama, suitable for framing. Presenting students with such a choice is the final touch of the program, designed to stimulate and direct their imagination along correct, pre-approved channels.
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