50 Shades of Deputy CIA Director Avril Danica Haines

Why reading erotic fiction out loud is now the top qualification for being a deputy CIA director. Photo: Oleg Atbashian

WASHINGTON, July 5, 2013 ― President Obama, already known to his staff as a “sophisticated” and “voracious” consumer of intelligence reports, has just found a way to enhance his intelligence briefing experience even further, by choosing 44-year-old Avril Danica Haines, whose resume includes reading erotic fiction out loud to paying customers, as a new deputy CIA director.

Twenty years ago, after dropping out of a graduate program in physics, Haines co-owned a Baltimore book store, which featured regular “Erotica Nights” with readings of erotic prose over dinner (couples $30, singles $17).

Apparently, the expertise she obtained in the process later qualified her to perform as a lawyer in the White House Counsel’s office in charge of the CIA’s undercover actions, now followed by the number-two position at the top spy agency, where she will be composing and reading provocative stories of crime and passion to the president directly.

This job was previously performed by Michael “Benghazi” Morell, who resigned in disgrace after he was outed as the author of the scandalously indecent talking points on the 2012 attack on the U.S. consulate in Libya.

Avril Haines is likely to be a more competent replacement, given her know-how in motivating dirty old men working in the Pentagon, ICE, Missile Defense Agency, TSA, Secret Service, and State Department, to take their minds off internet porn and actually interact with a live woman who has intimate knowledge of undercover operations, probing deeply together into the matter at hand. As an added bonus, Obama is expected never again to miss 66 percent of daily intelligence meetings.

Liberal policies have always been based on raw, knee-jerk emotions, best summed up in the title of a 1968 tune, “If it feels good, you know it can’t be wrong.” Taking the feel-good principle to a whole new level, this administration’s behavior has long resembled adventures of a sexually liberated woman in touch with her inner flower child; it stands to reason that they would eventually hire one. Expect more exciting foreign policy adventures driven by erotic sensations in response to international crises.

If the aftermath of the Arab Spring is generating butterflies in the stomach, you know it can’t be wrong. In contrast, supporting the persecuted Christians in Egypt and elsewhere in the Muslim world is a proven turnoff. But let’s try sending U.S. troops to help suppress the opposition to Egypt’s Islamists regime and see if causes a salacious tingling sensation. It does – let’s send even more troops! Let’s send troops to Jordan too. And let’s give arms to Islamic fundamentalists in Syria. Yes! It feels so good, it hurts!

Political scientists may actually have an opportunity here to build an objective geopolitical scale by quantifying amorous body responses to international stimuli, ranging from Palestine’s aphrodisiac to Israel’s buzzkill. All other international organizations and movements can be arranged between these two extremes in the order of titillating magnitude: the ultimate liberal method of determining foreign policy, building alliances, and making permanent decisions based on fleeting emotions.

At a time when America is being screwed by just about every tyrannical, fundamentalist, and plutocratic international gangbanger, from China to Russia to the Middle East to Latin America, the appointment of an erotic aficionado to lead the nation’s top intelligence agency is quite symptomatic: if we can’t fight back, the next best thing is to get professional advice on how to lie back and enjoy the experience. Soft music and candlelight are optional.


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Oleg Atbashian

With a whole lot of humor and an eye to the absurdities of poltics and politicans, Oleg Atbashian brings the news and views from The People's Cube to the Communities and you.

Born and raised in Ukraine, Oleg Atbashian has been a teacher, translator, construction worker, satirical journalist, and at one time a propaganda artist, creating visual agitprop for the local Party committee in Siberia. In 1994, he moved to the US with the hope of living in a country ruled by reason and common sense, and whose citizens were appreciative of constitutional rights and capitalist prosperity. To his dismay, he discovered a nation deeply infected by the leftist disease of "progressivism" that was arresting true societal progress. He started writing satire again, this time in English, publishing a large number of essays, political parodies, and cartoons, in various media in America and around the world.

In 2005 Oleg Atbashian started ThePeoplesCube.com, a forum-based spoof of "progressive" ideology with a loyal conservative/libertarian following, which he runs under the name of "Comrade Red Square, People's Director, Department of Visual Agitation and Unanimity." Rush Limbaugh described it on his show as "a Stalinist version of The Onion." The site contains thousands of hilarious, original satires and graphics by contributors from all parts of the US and the English-speaking world.

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