WASHINGTON, DC, February 27, 2013 - Al-Qaeda operatives: Forget about that list of 22 crude anti-drone tactics discovered in an abandoned building in Mali. If those tactics had been genuinely useful, why did al-Qaeda leave there?
Granted, rubbing a mixture of mud and sugar on yourself and your vehicles could make you partially invisible to the next drone — but wouldn’t the wiser tactic be to become completely invisible to the entire U.S. government and mass media altogether?
All it takes is learning a few useful facts about the American political establishment. Try these 23 alternative tips: if used as directed, people in Washington will either pretend you don’t exist or they will alter your public image until you become unrecognizable - even to yourself.
Alternative Tips for Avoiding U.S. Drone Strikes
1. Join the church where Al Sharpton is a preacher. No one knows where it is.
2. If you can’t find it, join the church Obama frequents.
3. If you can’t find that: register as a Republican Senate candidate from New York, New Jersey, or California.
4. Get a federal “green energy” loan, then declare bankruptcy. The U.S. government will cover for you.
5. Proclaim you are a victim of black-on-black crime. The media will render you invisible.
6. Come out as a black conservative. The media will render you unrecognizable.
7. If you are a woman: confess that Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy once propositioned you.
8. Hide in the back of a Massachusetts senator’s submerged car. It will buy you at least a few hours.
9. Become a member of Obama’s Job Council.
10. Insert yourself in the next 2,000-page bill.
11. Follow Jesse Jackson to an honest day’s work.
12. Get friendly with Sandra Fluke. Nobody has ever been able to find any of those guys.
13. Say “Hi, I’m Jon Huntsman and I’m still running for president.”
14. Pretend you’re a salad; at least the First Lady won’t spot you.
15. Never walk in New York holding a 16oz Styrofoam soda cup.
16. Never drink from a bottle of water in front of a camera. This will put you in the media spotlight 24/7 for days.
17. Get in line at the DMV or another government office; by the time you emerge, drones will be obsolete.
18. Impersonate an American taxpayer.
19. Hide in plain sight in Benghazi; it makes a lot of difference.
20. Camp out at Obama’s shooting range; no one is ever there.
21. Stay where Obama keeps his college transcripts, U.S. passport records, or financial records. You will never be disclosed.
22. Set up in one of Chicago’s highest murder-rate zones. A truckload of fighters with RPGs will go undetected.
23. Hold a sign, preferably bilingual, declaring a “Drone-Free Zone.”
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These 22 tips for avoiding drones by al Qaeda came from several People’s Cube writers and appeared on Twitter under the hashtags #AlQaedaTipsToAvoidDrones and #TipsForDodgingDrones.
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