Obama Signs Executive Order Moving Center to the Left

Moving America's political center to the left brings education, entertainment, media, and the Democrat leadership back into the mainstream. Photo: Oleg Atbashian

WASHINGTON, DC, February 11, 2013 — Putting an end to the spate of recent unexpected discoveries by otherwise loyal journalists that he may be to the left of the county’s political center, President Obama today signed an executive order moving the country’s political center to the left, approximately two feet away from where he was sitting.

Many political commentators praised this as a “brilliant move,” which promises to bring them back right into the mainstream. In the words of a newly centrist pundit Ed Shultz of the suddenly middle-of-the-road MSNBC network,” this decision also cements Obama’s position as president of all the people, at least all the ones that count anyway.”

Democratic Senator John Kerry thanked the President for giving him the opportunity, for the first time in his life, to experience being a centrist politician. In an interview aboard his yacht, “Tax Escapist,” soon-to-be-Secretary-of-State explained that he was thrilled his ideas would finally fit the definition of sober and moderate policies instead of wild fantasies out of left field. “My dreams have come true!” he admitted over a tray of truffles.

The unilateral decision to move the center leftwards followed two years of frustrating lack of compromise between the President and the now reclassified ultra-radical far-right-wing Republicans in Congress.

“With the center moved to its proper position, the public can fully appreciate the President’s earlier assertions that his opponents are way outside the mainstream,” said senior presidential advisor Valerie Jarret. “From the new vantage point, the Republicans appear so far to the right, they’re practically invisible.”

In addition to marginalizing the GOP, the move allows the President more elbow room in settling many of the currently divisive, hot-button issues. According to inside sources, the President is now ready to compromise on gun control with a new bill that will keep so-called “assault weapons” legal as long as they are only used to perform third-trimester abortions.

“This plan will please everyone within the redefined coordinates,” stated presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. “All sides - far left, moderate left, center-left-left, center-center-left, center-left center, and moderate center-right will get something out of it. The only ones complaining will be those on the extreme-ultra-far-right fringe.”

“This glorious compromise will give us a five-year quota of political progress ahead of schedule,” said a spokesman for the newly redefined center-right Communist Party.

In yet another far-reaching compromise, the President is expected to approve the controversial Keystone XL pipeline on condition that, instead of oil, it would transport non-polluting solar panels from China.

“It’s a great bargain for everybody except Big Oil”, noted environmental activist Al Gore, who recently sold his non-polluting Current TV network to Al Jazeera - a channel that will bring us the current truth from the peaceful producers of environmentally friendly fuels in the Middle East. “President Obama’s political shift reveals many previously unacceptable common points that all sides can now accept, while rejecting the divisive partisan trivia that the broad center of the country doesn’t care about.”

Scientists believe that the long-term implications of the President’s executive order go far beyond politics. If Obama can just as easily move any other center, this could make cosmology a lot more interesting, not to mention easier for the scientific community to control in the interests of the common good.

This article is a satirical collaboration of The People’s Cube authors.

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At The People’s Cube, we do NOT equate all “liberals” with communists. The purpose of this website is to pick up “liberal” hitchhikers and give them a ride to the communist wonderland - the inevitable end result of their “well-meaning” policies.

Oleg Atbashian's People's Cube


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Oleg Atbashian

With a whole lot of humor and an eye to the absurdities of poltics and politicans, Oleg Atbashian brings the news and views from The People's Cube to the Communities and you.

Born and raised in Ukraine, Oleg Atbashian has been a teacher, translator, construction worker, satirical journalist, and at one time a propaganda artist, creating visual agitprop for the local Party committee in Siberia. In 1994, he moved to the US with the hope of living in a country ruled by reason and common sense, and whose citizens were appreciative of constitutional rights and capitalist prosperity. To his dismay, he discovered a nation deeply infected by the leftist disease of "progressivism" that was arresting true societal progress. He started writing satire again, this time in English, publishing a large number of essays, political parodies, and cartoons, in various media in America and around the world.

In 2005 Oleg Atbashian started ThePeoplesCube.com, a forum-based spoof of "progressive" ideology with a loyal conservative/libertarian following, which he runs under the name of "Comrade Red Square, People's Director, Department of Visual Agitation and Unanimity." Rush Limbaugh described it on his show as "a Stalinist version of The Onion." The site contains thousands of hilarious, original satires and graphics by contributors from all parts of the US and the English-speaking world.

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