Alien abductions linked to disappearing workforce

Since the economy is doing well, the only logical explanation for 8 million people vanishing from the workforce must be alien abductions. Photo: Oleg Atbashian

WASHINGTON, DC, February 10, 2013 — With over 8 million people mysteriously disappearing from the US workforce during President Barack Obama’s first term, experts are working on a number of theories to explain this riddle, the most commonly mentioned reason being alien abductions occurring throughout the US on an extraordinarily massive scale.

According to a recent Bureau of Labor Statistics report, the number of people disappearing from the US workforce rose from 80.5 million when the president took office in 2009 to the current 89 million, while unemployment has remained steady near 8-9%. In other words, 8.5 million people have simply vanished in a way that can’t be explained by the usual retirement or disability trends.

“Since we can’t blame it on the economy, the only conceivable explanation is that someone is taking people out of the labor market by force,” said Malcolm Lenivie, noted economist for the DC-based Center for Keynesian Economics. “The President has spent $6 trillion in stimulus packages and all our studies indicate that his plan is working, so something else must be at play.”

Early theories included abductions by Mexican drug cartels, but leading security experts agree that it would be impossible to move eight million people across the US border undetected.

“Our border is extremely secure,” said border security analyst Jared Contrabandzis of the American Progressive Initiative, a non-partisan think tank. “No one can cross our southern border in any direction without our knowledge. The Border Patrol catches them all and reports them to the authorities - everybody knows that.”

Sources say the President is taking this matter very seriously and is putting pressure on the Pentagon to investigate the possibility of alien abductions and to find a way to stop the disappearance of the American labor force.

Insiders in Washington speculate that if top brass in the US Air Force do not take immediate action, President Obama will likely fire a number of generals and reorganize the command structure.

“The President will not let this crisis go to waste,” said Lenivie, adding that heads will roll all over Washington until one of these theories can be substantiated. “We know for sure the problem is not caused by the economy, since all of our numbers indicate that recovery is well on its way. It isn’t just around the corner, it is here.”

The White House is ordering the Air Force to review surveillance footage from radar stations throughout the world for evidence of alien aircraft, as intelligence satellites are being re-tasked from areas like the Middle East and China to scour the continental US for possible stashes of missing workers.

“All those people must go back to work,” Lenivie said. “They are tax payers, and we need them to be productive in order to keep our economy moving forward and our debt payments current.”

DISCLAIMER: This article is a satirical collaboration of The People’s Cube authors under the collective name of Igor Toutellalai.


Alien abductions of workers from US labor market


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Oleg Atbashian

With a whole lot of humor and an eye to the absurdities of poltics and politicans, Oleg Atbashian brings the news and views from The People's Cube to the Communities and you.

Born and raised in Ukraine, Oleg Atbashian has been a teacher, translator, construction worker, satirical journalist, and at one time a propaganda artist, creating visual agitprop for the local Party committee in Siberia. In 1994, he moved to the US with the hope of living in a country ruled by reason and common sense, and whose citizens were appreciative of constitutional rights and capitalist prosperity. To his dismay, he discovered a nation deeply infected by the leftist disease of "progressivism" that was arresting true societal progress. He started writing satire again, this time in English, publishing a large number of essays, political parodies, and cartoons, in various media in America and around the world.

In 2005 Oleg Atbashian started ThePeoplesCube.com, a forum-based spoof of "progressive" ideology with a loyal conservative/libertarian following, which he runs under the name of "Comrade Red Square, People's Director, Department of Visual Agitation and Unanimity." Rush Limbaugh described it on his show as "a Stalinist version of The Onion." The site contains thousands of hilarious, original satires and graphics by contributors from all parts of the US and the English-speaking world.

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