WASHINGTON, March 28, 2013 ― Oppressed workers, peasants, and unwashed toiling intelligentsia!
Eight years ago today the People’s Cube rapidly rose over the virtual horizon like the red sun of the revolution, dispelling the right-wing darkness of the blogosphere.
Report to your local Kommissar for instructions about proper celebratory procedures. Join a mandatory spontaneous festival in your designated area. You will be given a Party-approved placard and a handful of rocks to hurl at occasional remnants of the bourgeoisie.
Consumption of People’s Cube sugar beet vodka is optional.
Within these glorious eight years we have posted twenty million articles that were viewed by sixty four billion people in more than five hundred thousand countries.
Our stories were quoted on ninety million websites and translated into seven thousand languages.
Our mail room workers responded to sixty eight million fan emails, and the site membership has exceeded ninety nine hundred million registered users.
Rumors that this unparalleled success has been achieved through forced labor, torture, and imprisonment of staff writers, graphic artists, and network engineers are nothing but bourgeois propaganda perpetrated by the world-wide imperialist cabal.
Great achievement comes with great sacrifice.
Many of our former colleagues have perished in monthly purges. Eleven staff writers were collectively executed for missing deadlines. Nineteen proofreaders got demoted to shoveling permafrost in the tundra for relying on automatic spellcheckers. Twenty eight freelance contributors and their families were sent to hard labor camps for glaring lack of discipline.
However, only twenty five programmers, as opposed to last year’s twenty seven, were handcuffed to the radiator for a week for allowing pornographic spam to be posted in Lenin’s Nook.
Sixty seven typists developed hernias, and the Undersecretary of Visual Agitation and Unanimity was urged to take a self-criticism action with his firearm for insubordination (talking smack to Mrs. Red Square). We’re not mentioning cases of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, dismemberment, miscarriages, and frostbite.
The reading masses responded to our sacrifice with loyalty and discipline, contributing to over thirty million unique visits a day.
On the eve of glorious International Workers’ Fools Day our toiling collective solemnly pledges to redouble our efforts. We take upon ourselves an obligation to raise awareness of forty billion people in more than two hundred thousand countries, get translated into ten thousand languages, and send out sixty two million personalized emails.
Keep the Cube rolling, comrades!
At The People’s Cube, we do NOT equate all “liberals” with communists. The purpose of this website is to pick up “liberal” hitchhikers and give them a ride to the communist wonderland - the inevitable end result of their “well-meaning” policies.
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