WASHINGTON, October 31, 2012 – If adding an exclamation point to the word “Forward” won’t excite women voters, nothing will. Our resident expert on women’s issues at The People’s Cube explains the science behind this wonderful enhancement and demonstrates how it’s going to affect the average disillusioned woman voter.
By Karen Lingefelt
I’m so excited now!
For months I’d been feeling too bummed by the stagnant economy and demoralized by the polls to consider voting! I didn’t feel there was any point! Until Obama gave me a point! An exclamation point!
According to AP, Obama’s campaign slogan is getting a boost: “NASHUA, N.H. - Obama’s campaign added an exclamation point to placards and banners bearing the campaign’s motto. Instead of a stoic period at the end of the single-word slogan, the signs now read ‘Forward!’”
That’s right! Not the cheap political points Republicans are always trying to score, but an EXCLAMATION POINT!
An exclamation point denotes excitement! It’s bright! It’s shiny! It dazzles! It distracts! But best of all, it excites!
Until now, Barack Obama tried just about everything to win my vote! Free stuff! The Lily Ledbetter Act, that gives me more time to sue my boss for discriminating against me! More free stuff! Cash for my clunker that I can put toward one month’s payment on the principal for a Chevy Volt! And good grief, even more free stuff!
But none of it excited me enough to make me go out and vote for him - not even once!
Then Obama said if I didn’t vote for him, Romney would win and fire Big Bird, because Romney said himself that he loves to fire people and even birds! But since I’m too old to watch Big Bird and thought maybe he could find a better-paying job in the private sector, I still wasn’t excited enough to go out and vote for Obama!
Then Obama said that if I didn’t vote for him, Romney would win and put women in binders!
Binders! Every progressive woman knows that when Romney spoke of being brought “binders full of women,” of course he meant it literally! He couldn’t possibly have meant anything else - and, besides, Joe Biden is always talking about how the Republicans want to literally do this and literally do that!
Yet when I heard Romney say it, I simply assumed he was referring to a three-ring binder, a presentation portfolio with a resume, certificates, letters of recommendation, and perhaps a professional portrait! Then again, I’m just a self-employed stay-at-home type who’s never had to put together something like that, and since I’m not as enlightened and well-educated as the progressive women who thought he was referring to something more insidious and perverted, I must be wrong!
Still, the shocking prospect of being bound up for the amusement of misogynistic Republicans didn’t excite me enough to switch my vote to Obama!
Then the Left tried to warm my heart - if not make my blood run cold - with children singing songs about how, if Romney steals the election, the whole world will suck so much we should all just curl up in a hole somewhere and die!
There was nothing exciting about that - in fact, the song itself made me want to curl up in a hole somewhere and die - until a mere exclamation point got me excited enough crawl out of that hole!
Nothing says “excitement” quite like the exclamation point!
Think of all the times you’ve seen an old, familiar product jazzed up in a different package labeled NEW! IMPROVED! NOW WITH MORE WHATEVER! Admit it - you bought it, even though you found out afterwards it was just more of the same old crud!
Or the packages labeled HEY KIDS! SPECIAL OFFER ON THE BACK! FREE INSIDE! Admit it - you threatened to throw a huge tantrum if someone else didn’t spend their own hard-earned money on that package so you could get the freebie it promised! You didn’t care if it was cheap and flimsy and of no purpose other than to separate someone besides you from their ill-gotten gains - it excited you because of that exclamation point!
So it is with Obama’s dynamic, thrilling new slogan FORWARD!
That exclamation point will win back those women who let themselves get suckered into thinking they might actually care about something else besides abortion and birth control!
The exclamation point will get the masses too excited to think about unexciting things. Like the economy. Jobs. Operation Fast and Furious. Benghazzzzzzz…
See what happens when you don’t use the exclamation point! Boring!
This is it: the exclamation point is what will get the masses off the couch and out of whatever line they’re standing in to stampede to the polls and vote for Obama!
Nothing excites me more than exclamation points!
Exclamation points are like whistling a happy tune when you’re shivering in your shoes so no one knows you’re afraid of Romney stealing the election!
Exclamation points are like happy talk, talkin’ about things you’d like to do, like voting for Obama!
Exclamation points are like singing about your favorite things when the dog bites and the bee stings and when you’re feeling sad because polar bears are dying!
Why, Rodgers & Hammerstein could write a song about exclamation points making you feel more excited, but they’re dead! Oh, well, at least they can still vote for Obama!
If only Team Obama had done this sooner, I’m sure he’d be polling in the 90s and no one would be showing up for Romney/Ryan rallies!
FORWARD! Don’t look back! Forget what’s past! Something exciting and thrilling surely awaits us! Something that will make us jump and shriek!
I just hope that after November 6th, I won’t be getting more of the same old crud!
At The People’s Cube, we do NOT equate all “liberals” with communists. The purpose of this website is to pick up “liberal” hitchhikers and give them a ride to the communist wonderland - the inevitable end result of their “well-meaning” policies.
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