SILVER SPRING, Md. February 10, 2012 - If you are having trouble putting the romance back into your relationship, you are not alone. During those initial sleepless nights, maybe you told yourself everything would go back to normal as soon as the baby started sleeping through the night. The truth is, once you have children, all your time becomes dedicated to them.
Whether it’s the explicit time of midnight feeding, infant swim classes, chauffeuring them to soccer practice, or doctor appointments it can be hard to find time for yourself, let alone time as a couple.
While a baby is a wonderful addition to a family, it’s important to reconnect with your partner after the arrival. Your relationship will be stronger, your children will be able to see what a healthy relationship looks like and will have the benefits of having both parents present in their lives.
With the increased expense of diapers, baby food, child care, baby clothing, etc, it can sometimes be challenging to find the money to treat yourself to some time without the baby. Here are some ideas to restart the romance.
Hopefully, you’ll find few that fit your time and money budgets.
“No kids” rule
Agree that when you set aside the time for yourselves, it is for you. While it can be hard not to talk about your children, especially a new baby, it is important to remember that you had other things to discuss before their arrival. While kids can move to the top of the list in terms of importance in your life, you still have other interests.
Dinner date
This is great on a weekend when both of you are home. One of you take the baby the hour or so before bedtime, the other prepares a favorite meal. While one parent is bathing, changing, and feeding the baby, the other cooks the meal and sets the table. Use the good china and put some candles or flowers on the table. Make it a special time, so that when the baby goes down for the night the two of you can enjoy a nice meal that won’t break the bank and doesn’t require the extra expense of a babysitter. Leave the dishes for tomorrow, and take whatever time you have before you fall asleep to for yourselves.
If you have extra funds available, make a dinner reservation at the posh new restaurant you wanted to try, but baby came along before you got a table. Treat each other and the time you have as special. Do not settle for jeans and hair pulled back into ponytails. Hire the babysitter, but have her come over an hour before you are planning to leave. Use the extra time to get ready. Dress up, put on nice jewelry, put on a tie. Then at the restaurant, order a bottle of wine, spend time enjoying the food and the company. Order dessert.
Treat each other and the time you have as special. Make a dinner reservation at the posh new restaurant you wanted to try, but baby came along before you got a table. Photo by SweetOnVeg. Click to enlarge.
Do not rush home before you are expected, or call the babysitter in the middle of the meal.
Plan a get-away
Grandparents, or aunts and uncles, are a great resource if you are fortunate enough to live near family. Ask your family members if they would mind having a sleep-over with your child so you can have a night alone. Changing the scenery can help change the mood, so instead of spending that baby free night in your bed, get a hotel room. If you are really lucky and can arrange for more time without the baby and it’s in the budget, plan a trip. Whether it’s a short drive to a weekend get-away or a longer trip, don’t fill every minute with things to do. Schedule time to relax away from all the stresses at home, and give yourself time together with nothing that has to be done “right now.”
Don’t forget the little things
Things like love notes, romantic texts or e-mails, flowers, and small little gifts may seem like things for those in the early days of dating, but really, throwing in the little romantic gesture can make all the difference. Why? Because it shows that you are taking the time to think about your partner. A personal note, while it does not have to be poetry, can be a wonderful way to tell your partner how you feel. A little text in the middle of the day breaks up the normal pace and can be a little bright spot in an otherwise monotonous or unpleasant day, or it can make a good day, that much better.
A personal note, while it does not have to be poetry, can be a wonderful way to tell your partner how you feel. Photo by Linds. Click to enlarge.
Bottom line: little gestures show that you still care, you still think about the other person, and you are not taking your partner for granted. So, even if you think love notes written on heart-shaped paper is cheesy and only for teen-aged girls, embrace the overtly romantic, even if it’s only one every couple of months.
Get outside
We spend so much of our lives indoors that even a beautiful resort or hotel room can still seem commonplace. Get out of the house and enjoy nature. Go to a park for a picnic, or if the nights are warm, wait until the baby is asleep then have a moonlight picnic in your backyard. If you are taking that get-away, try a beach or a woodsy hike. Stop to listen to each other and to the world around you. The beauty of nature often inspires romance.
Dream together
Create a bucket list. Sit down together and talk about all the things you as a couple want to do, see, and visit and write them down. Whether it’s visiting Paris, taking a pottery class, or seeing the northern lights, creating a list of things you want together helps you envision a future together and gives you things to talk about other than your kids. Then next time you are looking for a trip or activity idea for the two of you, pull out the list and choose one that fits the time and budget constraints. In the meantime, send your partner the occasional photo of things on your list with a little note to add a little romantic pop to the day.
Massages
Almost everyone enjoys receiving a massage, but very few people enjoy giving one for more than a few moments, but massages are a great way to put some romance back in the bedroom. Add some scented massage oil or other massage product to turn up the mood. Scents like jasmine, ylang ylang and sandalwood are reputed aphrodisiacs. Turn down the lights, add a few candles and commit yourself to more than a 5-minute rub down.
If planning together, trading massages can be a good way to manage hand strain and to keep the heat rising between the sheets.
Skip the late-night television
Sure you may have your favorite late-night host, and Saturday Night Live can be funny, but going to bed when you are already exhausted makes the prospect of intimacy quickly fade from mind. Skipping a night of television and turning in early can make the difference between having the energy to be engaged and falling asleep the second your head hits the pillow.
You only have a few hours each day that are not filled with baby or work, do not waste them. Working on you is more important than all of the daily hum-drum that otherwise fills our spare time. Take some time out of your busy baby-filled days to reconnect. Life will not ever be the same as it was before the baby, but you would not want it to be. Just make sure that you do not forget that there is someone else who helped create that little bundle of joy, and that person should continue receiving your love (and knowing it) as well.
Follow Brighid on Twitter at @BrighidMoret and receive updates on when new columns post on Facebook. Read more about first time parenting issues in Parenting the First Time Through at The Communities at The Washington Times.
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