SAN FRANCISCO, June 9, 2012 — Everyone, including his most ardent pals, seems to agree that skinny presidential candidate Barack Obama is still a 98-pound weakling when it comes to opposing the big bully on the beach called Congress.
Our wispy, over-polite president needs to find his inner Charles Atlas when tough punks John Boehner, Mitch McConnell and Mitt Romney kick sand in the face of his programs and make him look like a liberal wimp. This is sure to impress the pretty girl, disguised as the American voter, who will swoon once he flexes new campaign muscle.
Using my 8-step program, Barack, you too can punch out the conservative rowdies who are trying to pummel your health care plan and economic policies. In only 30 days you will be a new man and carry off the electorate in your bulging biceps, while Boehner, McConnell and Romney sputter and spit out the sand you will kick in their face.
Step 1: Get down and dirty, fella! FDR called the Supreme Court “nine old men” and mocked his Republican opponents in Congress. It’s time you took off those prim Presidential gloves and called McConnell “prune face,” Boehner “a suntan in a suit” and Romney “the pretty little rich boy.” Always refer to your rival as “Mittens.” It’s guaranteed to get you 24-hour news coverage and much needed attention even from dithering, wishy-washy independents.
Step 2: Make whistle-stop campaign speeches in front of Romney’s five or six houses.
Challenge Donald Trump to a birthing contest on a new reality show, “Iron Chief Executive.” You must again prove to a panel of judges that you were born in the United States while Trump must prove he was not born on Mars despite his other worldly hair style, spaced-out remarks and general pod-like behavior.
Step 4: Confront Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and call them what everyone knows them to be — the freaky broadcast sideshow of the GOP circus. Stand your ground, guy! You hate to get your hands dirty, but this will make you look buffed, catch them off-guard and double your ratings overnight. The radio bullyboys aren’t ready for you to attack them on their turf; people will listen in record numbers. If you could take out Bin Laden in his lair, surely you can handle a few ranting radio hosts.
Step 5: To further counter all the radio and TV conservative windbags, make regular appearances with Oprah, Jay Leno, Matt Lauer, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Piers Morgan, Ellen DeGeneris, Dr. Phil, and even gruff Greta Van Susteren.
Step 6: Give a speech in front of Bain Capital and introduce a few of the people who were laid off or put out of business due to your opponent’s brutal restructuring practices.
Step 7: Do a walk-on on “Law and Order “and “30 Rock.” It didn’t hurt Nixon’s numbers after he popped into “Laugh-In.” Don’t bother to appear again on “The View” (you’ve got the female vote in your hip pocket), but drop by “Monday Night Football,” the “Nancy Grace Show” and “America’s Most Wanted” – and be sure to display your new revolver. Take a whirl on “Dancing with the Stars.” Show America you not only sing but boogie.
Step 8: Wrap yourself in the flag on July 4th and go to a fireworks party as Sarah Palin.
Gerald Nachman is the author of several humor and entertainment books, most recently Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America; Seriously Funny: The Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s; and Raised on Radio about the golden age of radio. For years Nachman was a critic and syndicated columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle and the New York Daily News. For more on Mr. Nachman go to: geraldnachman.com
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