SAN FRANCISCO, July 7, 2012 — Now that Democrats have embraced Chief Justice John Roberts as a true American hero, after his majority vote on the controversial health care initiative, and the Republicans realize that their favorite Conservative justice is in fact a heinous traitor, it falls to me to sort things out.
My research reveals that Roberts has slowly and secretly been moving to the Left in the last two years. Last October he was spotted ducking into an American Civil Liberties Union meeting and afterwards dining with Barbra Streisand and Warren Beatty.
Conservative blogger Nat Grudge reports that Roberts has traded in his red Cadillac Esplanade for a blue Mini-Cooper and last April attended a Bruce Springsteen concert, dancing in the aisles with Rachel Maddow. Grudge claims that Roberts now sports, beneath his judicial robes, a bald eagle tattoo on his rear end and a nipple ring.
Liberals who once trounced Roberts as a dangerous Right-winger now find that he is in fact a wise and judicious judge, given to rational rulings and astonishing insights.
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Indeed, his recent opinion on the health care issue has revealed to Democrats that Roberts is a brilliant statesman, able to rise above petty partisan politics. One Obama adviser commented, “I’ve just taken down FDR’s photo in my office and replaced him with John Roberts.”
Meanwhile, Right-wing adherents fear that Roberts may be heading down the same path as Chief Justice Earl Warren, Eisenhower’s conservative appointment who later became associated with liberal Supreme Court opinions. “Roberts’ majority view in the Obamacare case represents judicial activism at its most blatant and un-American,” grumbled Tea Party member Prudence Musk, former law clerk to Justice Antonin Scalia.
Conservative “originalists,” who maintain that the Supreme Court’s job is to apply the original intent of the Constitution and not “rule from the bench,” now feel that they badly misread Roberts when he was appointed by President George W. Bush.
“I think we were fooled by many of his earlier opinions that sided with corporate interests,” said Conservative legal scholar Horace Cato. “He was obviously trying to deceive the Senate Judiciary Committee into thinking that he leaned Right in his views. What a miserable two-faced creep!”
Likewise, liberals are now embarrassed to confess that they failed to discern, during the appointment hearings, Roberts’ progressive views and latent liberalism. “The man has no peer as a thinker and sensitive humanitarian,” remarked Tobias Bumstead of Pharmacists Without Borders, a health-care advocacy organization.
A Tea Party group in Goober Junction, Idaho, plans to circulate a petition to remove John Roberts from the High Court, claiming that he was not born in the United States. “We have ample evidence that he was born in Guadalajara, Mexico, and is an illegal immigrant,” said a Tea Partier whose long-term goal is to privatize the Supreme Court.
Gerald Nachman is the author of several humor and entertainment books, most recently Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America; Seriously Funny: The Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s; and Raised on Radio about the golden age of radio. For years Nachman was a critic and syndicated columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle and the New York Daily News. For more on Mr. Nachman go to: geraldnachman.com
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