SAN FRANCISCO, July 28, 2012 — Many who were shocked at the massacre last week of nearly a hundred people at a Colorado movie theater are now worried that they may not be able to protect themselves from future crazed gunmen on the loose.
Nonsense. There are all sorts of ways to stop such random slaughter from recurring. The first is to arm the audience as they enter the theater. This is sure to deter anyone bent on shooting up the place and force him to retreat instantly. It will also encourage a renewed nationwide vigilante movement, which has been sadly silent in recent years.
Secondly, make more guns easily available to the public – not just hand guns but rifles, bazookas, AR-47s, explosives and, for an elite few, nuclear warheads.
Visit your local library and, as a public service, learn how to build a bomb. Keep one in your hall closet for emergencies when government agents haul you off in the middle of the night, as many pro-gun advocates insist is going to happen any day.
Also give out free guns at police stations to anybody who requests one, but not until they vow they won’t use the gun carelessly, can score at least 40 on an IQ test and have not been hospitalized for any mental health issue in the past 72 hours.
Next, encourage public duels to get people used to watching citizens engaged in killing each another, so as to familiarize everybody with the proper use of pistols. Make it mandatory to carry a rifle or machine gun in your car rack.
Write your representatives in Congress and let them know that you believe it is not in the best interests for politicians to discuss or take a stand on gun control, which is, of course, a private matter.
Send 10% of your income to the National Rifle Association to keep Americans from being threatened by people intent on tearing down our freedom to roam the streets heavily armed.
Join a militia group to learn how to handle an assault weapon should you be caught in a cross-fire between rival gangs.
Volunteer to pass out pro-gun leaflets at gun shows. Require that gun shops be open 24 hours a day to better facilitate people in urgent need of a gun.
Make firearms equipment more available on the Internet. Support a movement to create a Gun Network.
Instruct elementary school children on the fine points of gun ownership. To guard against unwarranted playground assaults, schools must make it a rule that all kids attend class wearing bullet-proof vests under their shirts. Make sharp-shooting a required part of the public school curriculum.
Hone your skills at shooting humans by practicing on dangerous wild game (quail, rabbits, deer). Help protect hunters and other gun-toting sportsmen from ridicule by the general population, who just don’t get it.
Ban rude questions about gun control by the media at press conferences that will only serve to embarrass politicians.
Should these measures fail, learn the rudiments of tarring and feathering, public stoning and how to operate a rack. Bring back lynching.
Gerald Nachman is the author of several humor and entertainment books, most recently Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America; Seriously Funny: The Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s; and Raised on Radio about the golden age of radio. For years Nachman was a critic and syndicated columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle and the New York Daily News. For more on Mr. Nachman go to: geraldnachman.com
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