SAN FRANCISCO, July 14, 2012 — Eavesdropping inside Mitt Romney’s brain: Geez, I gotta think of a clever way to turn this doggone Supreme Court health care decision around so it makes sense and makes me look good, or at least not a totally befuddled, hypocritical politician.
I also need to solve the damn tax returns business, deal with the Swiss bank accounts and the Grand Cayman Island tax shelter thing. I never had these problems in Massachusetts. People trusted me there. The media is so darn snoopy these days.
I tried to call the health care penalty a tax, but that didn’t fly for some reason. Maybe I could label it an illegal surcharge or perhaps a criminal conspiracy. A thornier problem is trying to square my innovative Massachusetts heath care plan, which is working way too well, with my strong opposition to the evil Obamacare, unfortunately modeled after my own plan. I’m thinking of calling the Amazing Kreskin or Uri Geller to advise me how to bring off this tricky illusion.
Well, I could always say that, as governor, I was brainwashed — sorta like dad on Vietnam — but have since seen the error of my ways. Nah, that sounds way too weak. Or maybe I could claim I was out of state when the Massachusetts health care law was passed and didn’t know a darn thing about it until I got home.
I might even say I was just joking about a health care proposal, but the voters somehow took me seriously. You know how humorless those Massachusetts liberals are! Then I can add that I always bow to the will of the people, even if I think they’re nuts. Nobody will buy that. Boy, I really gotta come up with something good by November.
I just can’t understand why I got booed during my speech this week to the NAACP about vowing to dump Obamacare my first day in the Oval Office. Somehow the crowd didn’t understand how it will be in their best interests to insure as few people as possible. I thought those NAACP members would be more appreciative that I even addressed them.
This tax returns issue is also really starting to bug me. If I release all my tax returns for the last decade, like dad did, people may be shocked to find out that I’m super rich.
One way to go is to compare myself to FDR and John Kennedy — two wealthy but beloved presidents and both Democrats – and point out that if I’m elected I may be the richest Republican President in American history. That might impress swing voters.
The Swiss bank accounts are a little trickier, but I can simply explain that when I was skiing in Switzerland a few years back I mistakenly left a bunch of my money at a teller’s window in Klosters, and a kindly bank officer deposited it in my name without me even knowing about it. Hey, it’s possible.
As for the Cayman Island tax shelter, that’s much easier to explain. I’ll just buy a couple of Cayman Islands, just like Larry Ellison’s purchase of a small Hawaiian island, and announce that I plan to turn them into leper colonies. No problem!
Gerald Nachman is the author of several humor and entertainment books, most recently Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America; Seriously Funny: The Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s; and Raised on Radio about the golden age of radio. For years Nachman was a critic and syndicated columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle and the New York Daily News. For more on Mr. Nachman go to: geraldnachman.com
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