TAMPA, Florida, September 13, 2012 - Every year before Rosh Hashanah, synagogues send tickets to members for High Holy Day services. Non-members in my community usually pay around $200.
Local Jews pay that kind of money for tickets to a show that doesn’t involve Neil Diamond or a free buffet.
Included is usually a letter that lays out the rules and regulations for attending such services. Below please find the letter I received with my additions in bold.
Dear Members and Guests:
Enclosed are your non-transferable tickets for the High Holy Day services.
We’re not kidding. Non-transferable means non-transferable, Judy Simon. Quit trying to pass off Cousin Louie for that ungrateful son who’s having too much fun at Brandeis to come home. Louie’s teeth have started falling out and we can smell the Ben-Gay a mile away. Tell Louie to purchase his own ticket.
Please bring your tickets to each service and present them to the ushers at the door.
Show up with fakes you found on Craigslist and we’ll pull a Mossad and won’t feel guilty afterward.
No one will be admitted without a ticket. This isn’t a charity and we’re not displaced refugees anymore. No one’s buying the Bernie Madoff excuse, either.
If you don’t have a ticket with you, you will be asked to see the Office Administrator at the Lobby check-in desk, for entry. We turned in Lou Sinkowitz and a year later, he’s still on medication.
Tickets are not required for children under the age of eighteen entering with their family. Except for Joshua Greenberg. We know he’s only sixteen, but enough already with the strange piercings and goyim boyfriends. His poor mother.
Parents - please - children need to remain with their family unless reservations have been made with our sitter service. Cantor Al’s daughter, with the deviated septum, will ignore your children, but pay her anyway. She’s saving up for that nose job which, let’s be honest, will benefit everyone in the congregation who has to look at her.
Ushers have been instructed to return any children wandering the halls to their parents. Because we don’t like them any more than you do.
Enclosed with your tickets this year is your new synagogue parking sticker. Please affix it to the front windshield of your car. This sticker will entitle you to park in our parking lot, based on availability. It will also entitle you to dirty looks and rude comments while driving in rural areas. So good luck with that.
Arrangements have been made to use the parking lot at the Mormon Meeting Hall adjacent to our property for overflow parking. Enough with the polygamy jokes. They’re our friends this year. If you park in the Mormon lot, please respect their property and do not smoke when on their grounds. In turn, they promise to stop throwing ham sandwiches on our lawn. Everybody wins.
At Kol Nidre service the doors will close promptly at 8pm until the completion of the Kol Nidre prayer. Cause nothing shows the Lord’s love more than a lock down.
In keeping with the decorum of the service we remind you to please turn off pagers and cell phones before entering the building. That means you, Dr. Klein. Loudly discussing a patient’s problems is inappropriate. We’d like to enjoy a good Shofar blowing in peace.
At the conclusion of Yom Kippur services, you are cordially invited to join us for challah, wine and juice because nothing tastes better after a twenty-five hour fast than stale bread and high fructose corn syrup.
On behalf of the Board of Directors and more CPAs than we know what to do with, we look forward to greeting you at High Holy Day services, reminding you about unpaid dues, laughing at your clothes, and criticizing your kids.
L’Shana Tova Tikatayvu.
Here’s hoping we all are inscribed in the Book of Life before it slams shut for another year and we’re out of luck.
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