LOS ANGELES, May 4, 2013 —Shalom and Ole, y’all!
This means many people will be celebrating with cultural traditional music, excessive alcohol consumption, and very large hats.
Whether it is “Adon Olam,” “My Old Kentucky Home” or Spanish music I do not understand but still appreciate that the sounds will be joyous. Personally, the Derby should use “Blue Moon of Kentucky,” as done by Boomhauer from “King of the Hill.”
Whether it be Manischevitz, Mint Juleps or Jose Cuervo, the suds will flow.
Kentucky women will don bright hats to block out the sun. Orthodox Jewish men will wear black hats so they resemble a cross between the Amish and ZZ Top. The Mexicans will combine the two with multi-colored festive hats that mesh well with everything. Whether a fedora, a sombrero or a fashion hat, the headwear will be plentiful.
The day actually starts at around midnight the previous night. David Letterman kicked things off with his annual Kentucky Derby Friday show. Every year he has the announcer of the race on his show over the phone. For several minutes they chant “and down the stretch they come!” Letterman works it into the entire show, often confusing his guests.
It could be fun to work the famous Derby saying into the other rituals. Some Cinco De Mayo festivities involve activities like sack races. While there is nothing inherently Mexican about potatoes or sack races, it would be fun to yell “and down the stretch they come!” at the finish line.
In the Orthodox and Conservative Jewish community, driving automobiles is forbidden on the Sabbath. The walk from the synagogue to the house for lunch is often an arduous one. Yet after three hours of prayer, the walkers pick up the pace to get home to eat.
Here come the Jewish power walkers and the Mexican kids in potato sack, “…and down the stretch they come!”
Since people can be Mexican and Jewish, nothing prevents one of those children (called mestizos) from hopping home in a potato sack to eat potatoes. However, wearing the sack to synagogue would not go over well.
As if this is not enough, there will also be the basketball and hockey playoffs. The NHL requires helmets, but the NBA will be committing heresy by going hatless on this day.
One person not thought of well by many celebrating Cinco De Mayo is Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Picture what would happen if border security were turned into a sport. Random people would be running after other random people yelling, “And down the stretch they come.” Such mayhem caused Cheech Marin to be accidentally deported in the movie “Born in East LA.”
This day is dedicated to my friend Elana. Cinco De Mayo is her birthday. She is a Republican, Jewish brunette. So in honor of her birthday and the Kentucky Derby, I will quote her Charlie Sheen’s immortal words from the movie “Hot Shots.”
“When I saw you dig your heels into his sides, tighten up the reins and break his spirit, I never wanted to be a horse so much in my life.”
As for which horse to bet on, it depends which culture takes precedence.
The Cinco de Mayo selection would be “Revolutionary,” in honor of all the dopey kids wearing Che Guevara t-shirts.
The Orthodox Jewish choice would most likely be “Falling Sky,” given that we are always one step away from losing permanently.
Women are debating whether to support “Will take charge” or “Overanalyze.” If it takes them more than a few minutes, the default answer is “Overanalyze.”
President Obama rode the Derby to victory in 2008 with “Big Brown” as Hillary Clinton saw her filly euthanized right before her campaign was after the Kentucky primary. Yet this time “Black Onyx” is a scratch. Being President is not easy.
Yet at some point it is time to get down to the action. That means the horse “Charming Kitten” should win. Charming Kitten involves a Republican Jewish brunette and some Kentucky jelly. Charming Kitten it is.
Final prediction: The Brooklyn Nets win by a Coney Island Nathan’s hot dog length.
This concludes coverage of the Kentucky Derby,Cinco De Mayo, Jewish Sabbath.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian who is obsessed with the National Football League. There is no offseason. Every February he pretends to care about other sports while sobbing uncontrollably each Sunday until September. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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