LOS ANGELES, June 2, 2013 — Somebody needs to give President Barack Obama an intervention. This is not about politics. Reasonable minds can disagree on the level of failure of his job performance.
This is about football. The results are in and the failure is complete and total.
On a recent trip with his “bromance” partner Chris Christie, the New Jersey Governor took Obama to the Jersey Shore. The purpose of the trip was to show how New Jersey had bounced back Hurricane Sandy. Sandy rescued Obama’s 2012 reelection campaign after his miserable first debate. Now he needed positive photo opportunities to counter multiple scandals.
Yet Obama continued to make one unforgivable mistake. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he keeps trying to convince Americans that he is a “guy.”
Obama is of the male gender. He is just not a “guy’s guy.” This is not his fault. He lives in a house with five women. He grew up without a father. He never learned how to do normal “guy stuff.”
He bowled a 37. His attempt at skeet shooting was widely mocked when he failed to hold the gun properly. His attempt to throw a baseball was less than stellar. Even worse, he wore “mom jeans” on national television when he did it.
His supporters insisted that he was a basketball jock. That myth was debunked when he shot 2 for 22. The shots were all uncontested.
Refusing to accept his status as a “metrosexual,” Obama decided to tackle the manliest of sports. He was going to succeed at football. More importantly, he was going to play quarterback. He would throw an accurate spiral through a hoop four feet away and win a stuffed animal, as men have been doing for generations.
His statistics were an embarrassing 0 for 5. Governor Christie had to win the stuffed animal for Obama. And on the first try.
Football is an unforgiving game. It is also one of the few areas of life where merit is the only criteria for judging success.
Like Obama, JaMarcus Russell failed at the signal caller position. Like Obama, he rode in as a franchise savior. Yet three years later the Oakland Raiders cut him after he lost 18 of his 25 starts.
He ballooned to 315 pounds, but has since dropped fifty of those pounds. He is desperately trying to mount a comeback.
If anybody knows the criticism of armchair quarterbacks more than Obama and Russell, it is Tim Tebow.
Tebow became a sensation due to his devout Christianity. Yet all the love from his many fans could not change the fact that his ability to throw an oblate spheroid with accuracy was questionable. Tebow did string together some victories, but in the end the entire league saw a man who simply was not cut out for professional football as a quarterback.
Football is a cruel game sometimes. Charlie Brown became a lovable loser despite his ability to never successfully kick a football. Lucy would pull it away at the last moment and Charlie Brown went winless.
Failure at football does not make Obama a bad person. His only sin from a sports standpoint is his absolute insistence in being seen as a man who should be mentioned in the same sentence as somebody affiliated with sports.
Certain characteristics of football leaders can be fixed with proper training. This includes footwork, diet, strength, and conditioning. What cannot be altered is accuracy. Either quarterbacks have it or they do not. Either they are leaders or they get relegated to the bench.
Obama is perfectly qualified to fetch Gatorade for better players. He might even be good at holding a clipboard and wearing a headset.
He is not cut out for anything involving athletics, especially not football.
He needs to hit the showers, turn off the cameras, and stop kidding himself. JaMarcus Russell and Tim Tebow have a better chance of success throwing the football, and Obama knows it.
America respects football players who walk away one season too early rather than hang on one season too late. A guy who goes 0 for 5 in practice with zero defenders in his face will never succeed when the blitz comes. He needs to look in the mirror and realize that the game is over and time for an easier career.
It is time for Obama to respect the game of football by walking away and leaving the quarterbacking to those with alpha male abilities.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian who is obsessed with the National Football League. There is no offseason. Every February he pretends to care about other sports while sobbing uncontrollably each Sunday until September. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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