LOS ANGELES, October 20, 2012 — This is a sad day for people who love, trust, and believe in walruses. From Captain Kangaroo to golfer Craig Statler to pitcher Jerry Reuss, walruses have been a fan favorite.
The walrus of the National Football League is Mike Holmgren. The former USC quarterback earned a Super Bowl victory with the Green Bay Packers and got the Seattle Seahawks to their only Super Bowl appearance. Yet “The Big Show” has not succeeded as team President of the woeful Cleveland Browns. Randy Lerner just sold the team, and the new owner has told Holmgren that the team is going in an anti-walrus direction.
This leaves only two of these furry creatures in prominent positions. Philadelphia Eagles Coach Andy Reid is Walrus Lite, and he will not be upgraded to full walrus status until he wins it all. Romeo Crennel shattered the racial barrier, since nothing in a man’s skin color should detract from a rotund waistline and bushy mustache.
When a walrus mates with a duck, the result is a platypus. Not the most beautiful creature, the platypus of the NFL is the Cleveland Browns. Decades come and go, and the Browns simply suck. They do occasionally beat the Bengals, but the Bengals cannot beat anybody else either. Mike Holmgren was blamed for not turning things around fast enough. Unlike politics, sports administrators are actually judged on results. Holmgren inherited a mess, and it stayed that way.
Coach Pat Shurmur for now has not been fired. Those wanting to blame Holmgren could always say that being a great coach does not necessarily translate into excellence in the executive suite. Yet a more plausible organization is that even a man who has known only success can be overmatched by a colossus of an organization with a deeply entrenched commitment to failure.
Even in a down economy, the league and any other team not in Ohio would benefit from bringing in the Walrus.
The Browns are now preparing for the post-Holmgren era, which should be downright platypus ugly.
With that, let’s get away from the Mistake by the Lake and get to 30 teams that actually have hope. Week 7 of the NFL 2012 season is upon us.
Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers (7) was the Thursday night game.
Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills (3)
Dallas Cowboys (2) @ Carolina Panthers
(Upset special, Panthers win outright)
Baltimore Ravens @ Houston Texans (6.5)
(Upset special, Ravens win outright)
Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings (6)
(Vikings win but fail to cover)
Washington Redskins @ New York Giants (6.5)
(Giants win but fail to cover)
Green Bay Packers (5.5) @ St. Louis Rams
(Packers win but fail to cover)
New Orleans Saints (3) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Cleveland Browns @ Indianapolis Colts (3)
New York Jets @ New England Patriots (10.5)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Oakland Raiders (4)
Pittsburgh Steelers (2.5) @ Cincinnati Bengals is the Sunday night game.
Detroit Lions (5) @ Chicago Bears is the Monday night game.
(Upset special, Bears win outright)
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