EXCLUSIVE: Chicago legalizes corruption

The Chicago City Council legalized all forms of corruption in Chicago. Photo: City of Chicago Seal

CHICAGO, April 1, 2013— It was a bold audacious move. The Chicago City Council unanimously passed an ordinance legalizing corruption. The ordinance makes all forms of political corruption legal in the City of Chicago. The ordinance repeals all previous ethics ordinances.  

Recognizing Chicago’s long history and culture of corruption, the aldermen decided it would be better to make it legal and bring it into the disinfectant of sunshine. Corruption, corrupt politicians, city workers contractors, vendors, will now be respected as legitimate figures instead of reviled.

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All forms of corruption are now legal in Chicago including, but not limited to, graft, bribery, bid rigging, hiring friends and family, pay to play politics, political patronage hiring, and selling appointments and judgeships.

A spokesperson for one alderman stated, “It is just easier this way. People already know Chicago is a cornucopia of corruption. Instead of hiding it as some kind of sordid activity, we decided to legitimize it and make corruption and the culture of corruption respectable”.

The ordinance abolishes the offices of the two Inspector Generals, the Internal Affairs Divisions of the Chicago Police and Fire Departments, and other investigatory and oversight departments and agencies.

The ordinance specifically proclaims the Shackman Decree dead. The aldermen immunized the city from any of its provisions and sanctions regarding the hiring and firing of city employees for political reasons.

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An alderman who requested anonymity stated the obvious, “What is anyone going to do? Are they going to shut down the whole city by indicting everyone? I doubt very much that will happen”.

Aldermen cited increasing labor costs as another reason for the ordinance. If city employees including police officers are allowed to take bribes they would not need pay raises. This would be a relief to overburdened tax payers. There have been discussions to allow employees to make yearly contributions of bribe money to their struggling pension funds.

African American aldermen are elated because by allowing the police to take bribes fewer African American criminals would be arrested, reducing the prison population for African American young men. Incarceration of young African American males has been a sore point for the City Council Black Caucus.

They need these young men to work for them during election season. They also need the under the table cash gang and drug organizations supply them.

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The City Council also drafted a resolution demanding that President Obama immediately pardon any and all Chicago politicians convicted of corruption over the past forty years. This would allow some to be released from prison and remove the tarnish to the reputations of those who served their time and those who passed away.

Their survivors would be pleased to have their loved ones good names restored. The resolution proclaims, “This is the human rights issue of our time” and demands immediate action by the president.

A separate resolution demands the Department of Justice cease and desist any open investigations of Chicago elected officials, employees, vendors, and contractors since their activities are now legal. It provides retroactive immunity.

Another benefit cited is the speed in businesses getting essential city services including licenses, permits, and zoning variances. Instead of taking weeks, months, or sometimes years, a simple bribe or bribes will reduce the time to days, benefitting commercial interests and creating jobs faster in Chicago. Chicago government would be efficient and effective. Small businesses were cited as the main beneficiaries.

At a ribbon cutting ceremony for a new shelter for homeless illegal immigrants, Mayor Rahm Emanuel was asked about the ordinance. He pointed his stub finger, known as the Arby*, and raged in language not fit to print. He then stormed off towards his car.

On his way he kicked a dog urinating on a fire hydrant and body slammed a women pushing a stroller. His body guards, running to keep up with the fuming mayor, bowled over a senior citizen, trampling him and sending his walker flying.

Credible rumors claim when Mayor Emanuel’s veto of the ordinance was overturned quickly and unanimously, loud crashing noises could be heard coming from his office. Allegedly a city crew worked through the night making major repairs to the walls and windows, replacing broken furniture.

Federal prosecutors and the F.B.I. in Chicago were caught off balance and stunned by the ordinance. Attorney General Eric Holder was asked about the ordinance at a conference of “Attorneys for Obama” at the Four Seasons Hotel. He stated that his job was to support and protect the president, move his agenda forward, and “not waste time over trifling issues”. He then headed off to address a fund raiser hosted by Chicago millionaires and billionaires.

The ordinance goes into effect on July 15, 2013. This will give various city agencies time to set up policies and procedures implementing corrupt practices. It will also give time to all the various employees of investigative departments to find new employment before they are terminated.

Police officers assigned to the Internal Affairs Division will be put back on street duty in the Patrol Division. Fire personnel will be assigned to various fire houses throughout the city.

It is being reported that the Cook County Board of Commissioners is considering a similar ordinance against the strong objections of Board President Toni Preckwinkle. It does not appear she has votes to sustain a veto as all the commissioners have signed onto the proposed ordinance.

The Illinois State legislature has a bipartisan bill wending its way through committees legalizing political corruption in Illinois and making it a criminal offense for any federal agency to investigate or prosecute corruption. When asked if he would sign such a bill Illinois Governor Pat Quinn once again complained bitterly that his brother was fired as head basketball coach at Fenwick High School.

He rambled on about his Squeezy the Pension Python public relations stunt and touted his plan for a new state agency to assist gay illegal immigrants who own businesses in Illinois.

Quinn spokeswoman, April Foo-Leary, later stated Quinn is against the bill but, if it passed the legislature there would be than enough votes to override a veto handily. “The governor has to look at the reality of the situation. There are some battles he cannot win.”

Reformers and good government organizations in Chicago and Illinois are worried. This bill would effectively put them out of business, dry up major contributions, and put many people in the unemployment line. Most have no usable skills, talent, or the ability to be retrained for jobs in the real world.

Chicago, the “City on the Lake” will finally be legitimate as the “City on the Make.

*The Arby- A phrase coined by Chicago Tribune columnist John Kass, referring to the partial loss of a finger when Rahm Emanuel worked at Arby’s as a young man.

This article is the copyrighted property of the writer and Communities @ WashingtonTimes.com. Written permission must be obtained before reprint in online or print media. REPRINTING TWTC CONTENT WITHOUT PERMISSION AND/OR PAYMENT IS THEFT AND PUNISHABLE BY LAW.

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Peter Bella

Peter Bella is a retired Chicago Police Officer, freelance photographer, freelance writer, budding videographer, and passionate cook.  He aims to be the sharp stick that pokes and annoys.  The Middle Class Guy is a political column written from a center-right point of view.  While concentrating mainly on politics he will stray into culture, entertainment, sports, cooking, and humor from time to time, along with Memories of things Pabst.  All from a middle class perspective.

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