Breitbart murdered! Now pass the Kool-Aid

The internet is alive with febrile conspiracy theorists claiming Andrew Breitbart was murdered. Photo: Associated Press

CHICAGO, March 2, 2012— It didn’t take long before the tinfoil hat, Kool Aid slurping conspiracy theorists emerged from their basement dungeons to claim Andrew Breitbart was murdered. 

Breitbart died of apparent natural causes yesterday. 

Twitter was alive with tweets filled with suspicion about Breitbart’s Death. Radio personality Michael Savage speculated that Breitbart might have been assassinated. A Phd. is not a certificate of intelligence or sanity. 

Though there will probably be more, here are two of the most outlandish, deranged statements yet: 

You don’t have to be a conspiracy theorist to appreciate the downright weirdness of Breitbart predicting a major event to occur on March 1st, only for him to end up dying on that very date. Breitbart was officially pronounced dead at 12:19am. ( 

The question is who would want Andrew dead who stands to gain from his death!  As a political activist the list of names would be a long one!  I would start the top of the list with the Illuminati NWO gang!  I’m sure you can guess who I’m talking about without saying his name!  Because if I do I will get my door kicked in tonight and also die of so called Natural causes like a boot to the head! (Anti-New World Order) 

People have the right to free speech, which includes the right to be a moron, lunatic, or drooling imbecile. People have a right to their opinions, no matter how weird or psychotic they are. 

It shows us that undereducated simpletons inhabit the world. For every conspiracy theorist who publishes half-wit “theories,” there are even more dunderheads who believe them. This also does not say much about our educational system. 

It will be interesting to see how many more conspiracy theorists come out of the woodwork after the autopsy report comes out. They will blend fantasy and spy novel fiction to create their version of “the truth”. 

They read Tom Clancy, John LeCarre, or Robert Ludlum with relish, searching for pearls of truth behind the fiction. They believe the authors are referring to real events couched in creative fiction. 

Some gummint assassin sidled up to the victim, injecting him with a heart attack inducing drug via an extra fine syringe that would leave no tell tale sign. The “umbrella man” fired a dissolvable pellet from an air weapon concealed in the umbrella tip.

How about that bartender where Breitbart had his last drink?

Yeah, that’s the ticket. It was his first day on the job. He put something into Breitbart’s drink. He left immediately after his shift, never to be seen again. 

All great mystery novel scenarios without a shred of truth behind them.

The creators of these theories are men of creative mystery; spies, and secret government assassins inhabit their craniums. They weave and churn out febrile fantastic theories that others just as feverishly believe. 

There are all kinds of permutations they could come up with except the reality.

Breitbart had a heart condition. He lived and relished a fast-paced, highly stressful life. He collapsed on the street, and died. It happens everyday somewhere in America. 

Which probably makes a murder conspiracy believable to the boobs and bozos that inhabit the Internet. What better method to kill someone than taking advantage of an everyday occurrence?

Did Breitbart have a butler? Maybe the butler actually did it for once. 

It also did not take long for detractors to cheer Breitbart’s death with the unrestrained glee of children in a toy store. Every society has people who are inhumane, cruel, and demonstrate that the human race may not be intelligent enough to avoid extinction after all. 

These are truly detestable people. Many of Breitbart’s opposition, even the most vociferous, issued statements of sympathy or said nothing. They held to the adage of never speaking evil of the dead. 

The despicable people who relished and wallowed in their glee at the New Media icon’s death are like gamboling pigs in a filth pit. They exhibited vicarious and prurient pleasure over the death of a fellow human being. 

A husband, father, son-in-law and friend.

We have become a society of haters. Gracious manners, kindness and generosity are anachronisms. Antediluvian barbarians inhabit our world, and they degrade our society and discourse. 

They must hate. That hatred must be expressed - that old free speech thing - no matter the harm. But, to some weird certain extent, it is a good thing. It let’s us know there are people, even some in the public-eye, who are not worth wasting our time on. 

There is a shred of hope. One of Brietbart’s most famous targets, former Department of Agriculture staffer Shirley Sherrod, issued this statement: 

My prayers go out to Mr. Breitbart’s family as they cope during this very difficult time. I do not intend to make any further comments.” 

That folks is class, etiquette, and poise, things sorely missing in our so-called society. 

Peter V. Bella is a retired Chicago Police Officer, freelance writer and photographer, cook, and raconteur.  He likes to be the sharp stick that pokes, prods, and annoys.  His opinions are his and his alone. 








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Peter Bella

Peter Bella is a retired Chicago Police Officer, freelance photographer, freelance writer, budding videographer, and passionate cook.  He aims to be the sharp stick that pokes and annoys.  The Middle Class Guy is a political column written from a center-right point of view.  While concentrating mainly on politics he will stray into culture, entertainment, sports, cooking, and humor from time to time, along with Memories of things Pabst.  All from a middle class perspective.

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