CHICAGO, February 16, 2011— Chicago is number one. That’s right number one baby. So let’s get those banners out, pop the champagne corks, unfurl banners.
It is time to run through the streets naked and screaming like drunken Russian poets.
When the G-8 and NATO conferences come here in May, they should see the civic pride we have in our great town. Conventioneers should know how much we love our burg. Tourists, especially from foreign countries like Wisconsin, should brag about visiting the number one city in America.
Now I am not being a civic booster, or bragger, or anything (blowing on my nails and thumping my chest). It was the University of Illinois at Chicago that deemed Chicago number one.
And fair warning more gentle readers, from here sacarcsm reigns supreme.
Like most universities, UIC does research. Their research proves the claim that, Big Apple be danged, Chicago is number one. Not only are we number one, but we’ve been number one over a 36-year period.
Who knew? Who could have guessed?
What? You want to know what I’m babbling, blathering, and gushing about?
According to the University of Illinois research, Chicago had the most public corruption convictions per capita of any federal jurisdiction in the nation over a 36-year period. (Chicago Tribune).
That officially makes Chicago the number one corrupt city in the country.
Chicago can retain its sobriquet as the most thoroughly corrupt city in America. We can still secretly train tin pot foreign dictators in the fine art, craft, and science of political corruption, for a fee, in cash, in an envelope, up front. Of course the cost will have to go up. That’s the price of infamy.
Chicago has always been cornucopia and culture of corruption. But we took the national prize. This is better than winning the World Series, Stanley Cup, Super Bowl, and NBA Championship all in one year.
Someone should call those Guinness folks and put us in their book.
Chicago’s dishonorable place in history is secure. Our notorious stature is solid.
Our elected officials top all others in the nation in venal corruption, even those in that cesspool, Washington D.C.
Chicago, in a burst of civic pride, should start renaming streets and buildings to honor this accolade.
The Chicago Metropolitan Correction Center should be renamed the Chicago City Council Chambers after all the aldermen, other corrupt politicians, and city workers who passed through on their way to federal prison.
LaSalle Street, where City Hall is located, could be renamed Easy Street or Kachingo Boulevard.
The city’s motto, Urbs in Horto, should be changed to Cash is King. Instead of the City of Big Shoulders we should be called the City of Big Boodle. Chicago is the city that works for the people who pay. We’ve gone from the meat packer of the world to envelope stuffer of the world.
Chicago has always been a futuristic city. We have graft technology. Green is just the color of money.
Mayor Rahm Emanuel should be bursting with pride. He is the mayor of the most thoroughly corrupt city in the United States. His city is number one.
Rahm can finally stand tall. No pun intended.
Hey, don’t forget. President Obama, his former boss, came from Chicago. He was part and parcel of the notorious Chicago Machine, known locally as the Chicago Democratic crime family.
The President should issue a proclamation, an award honoring his hometown. The Presidential Medal of Peculation. He could issue Presidential pardons to all the political felons in honor of this title. Maybe the dead ones too. If the dead can vote in Chicago there is no reason why they can’t get Presidential pardons.
This will be a real economic booster for Chicago. Pinkie rings, silk suits, cigars and paper thin soled loafers will be flying off the racks, shelves, and the backs of trucks. Politicians have to dress the part. Their appearance must command respect and pride.
Lincolns, Caddies, BMWs, and Mercedes should be appearing in the driveways of our iconic politicians real soon.
Elocution instructors will be in big demand. CEO’s, lawyers, bankers, developers, and the like will need to learn the proper pronunciation of our local dialect and phraseology, such as "Howya dooin." They also need to be able to talk sotto voce without moving their lips.
Top shelf booze will be consumed in higher quantities and reservations at top steak houses will be hard to get. All those favor seekers will be lining up to wine and dine our famous politicians, handing them fat envelopes stuffed with cash under the tables or in restrooms.
Chicago has been a town of ill repute for generations. During the Roaring Twenties we were the crime and vice capital of the world. Recently we were the murder capital. Now, we are the corruption capital of the United States.
Number one in political crime, chicanery, and thievery.
This eclipses the St. Valentines Day Massacre, which is celebrated here every year. We are a city of romantics.
So to all you other Democratic strongholds out there, eat your friggin hearts out baby. We are number one in corruption. You’re just a bunch of wannabes, pikers, tyros, and babes in the woods.
Chicago is the political crime capital of the United States.
Pass the envelope please.
Peter V. Bella is a retired Chicago Police Officer, freelance writer and photographer, cook, and raconteur. He likes to be the sharp stick that pokes, prods, and annoys. His opinions are his and his alone.
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