CHICAGO, August 10, 2012— Mitt Romney picked Paul Ryan to be his running mate.
Breaking news stories did not stop since the announcement. Every few seconds reports were being filed. We tried to keep up with them as best we could.
BREAKING NEWS: Young twenty-somethings working for Team Obama burned the midnight oil putting together packages with which to attack Paul Ryan.
As Paul Ryan was giving his speech, emails from Team Obama flooding inboxes. Team Obama is fast, efficient, and dirty.
Within minutes of the announcement the distortions against Ryan began:
Paul Ryan will be Mitt Romney’s running mate.
What you need to know right now: This election is about values, and today Romney doubled down on his commitment to take our country back to the failed policies of the past.
Congressman Paul Ryan is best known as the author of a budget so radical The New York Times called it “the most extreme budget plan passed by a House of Congress in modern times.” With Mitt Romney’s support, Ryan would end Medicare as we know it and slash the investments we need to keep our economy growing — all while cutting taxes for those at the very top…
Jim Messina Campaign Manager Obama for America
BREAKING NEWS: Ryan’s father died when he was a teen. His working mother raised him. Ryan worked his way through college. Paul Ryan is the first mainstream Midwesterner who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. Ryan is a fair skinned Caucasian with no elitist Caucasian accent.
One nervous Democrat was quoted as saying, “That’s a storybook, man. This is a big deal”.
BREAKING NEWS: It has been discovered that Paul Ryan is a young Catholic white guy. As he is not something else, Liberals and progressives wasted no time in accusing Romney of being a racist, anti-Semite, Islamaphobic, anti-Atheist, and anti- Hispanic.
BREAKING NEWS: Women’s groups are in an uproar over Ryan’s Catholicism. They state his religion is proof Romney is waging a war on women.
BREAKING NEWS: Paul Ryan is married with children. He is married to a woman. Progressive PACs are preparing ads claiming Paul Ryan is homophobic. Gay adoption advocates are also preparing missives against Ryan.
BREAKING NEWS: Political strategists from the left and right are claiming the Romney-Ryan ticket tells the world we have big problems and America can solve big problems. America can be on track again.
Team Obama and the left are defending the presidents position that things could be worse. They are blaming Bush, Bo’s eating the president’s policy, and greedy millionaires, billionaires, and middle class families earning over $250 thousand dollars for America’s problems.
BREAKING NEWS: It has been learned and fact checked that Ryan’s background and biography are established and verified. Joe Biden’s is a work in progress.
BREAKING NEWS: Democrats and fellow progressive travelers are deeply concerned over Joe Biden’s ability to debate Paul Ryan. Ryan is very good and fast with facts and figures. They are worried that Paul Ryan is an asset to the Romney campaign.
BREAKING NEWS: Ryan is a bow hunter. Anti-gun groups are gearing up messaging claiming guns don’t kill people, bows and arrows do.
BREAKING NEWS: Paul Ryan is a skier. Environmentalist extremists claim skiing contributes to man made global warming.
BREAKING NEWS: Paul Ryan is from Wisconsin, a state known for its dairies, cheese, and the land of sky blue waters used in making beer. Animal rights groups, vegans, and anti-drinking groups are preparing ads against the Vice Presidential candidate.
BREAKING NEWS: Paul Ryan is a Packers fan. NFL fans across the nation will be bombarded with this derogatory fact.
BREAKING NEWS: Nancy Pelosi gave a statement today claiming she was talking with Susan B. Anthony, Margaret Sanger, Bela Abzug, and Rosa Parks about the ‘Ryan issue’.
BREAKING NEWS: Harry Reid hurried to the well of the Senate this morning in his pajamas. Clutching his bathrobe, Reid claimed he has an old friend who knows someone who is sleeping with the wife of a friend of a friend of Ryan.
This person claims Paul Ryan paid little or no income taxes his whole life.
BREAKING NEWS: Debbie Wasserman Schultz, chairman of the DNC is infuriated that Romney picked Paul Ryan. According to Ms. Schultz Romney should have picked Marco Rubio, a good Floridian.
Ms. Schultz accuses the presidential candidate of hating Floridians.
BREAKING NEWS: Anthony Weiner tweeted family photos on Twitter. He just wanted to let people know he is still around.
BREAKING NEWS: Kennedy family is appalled that Paul Ryan is being compared to them. They are lace curtain Irish. He is shanty Irish. Paul Ryan is happily married and responsible. The Kennedy boys were notorious philanderers and drunkards.
They sniffed their blue blood upper lips and stated there is a stark difference between Paul Ryan and their family. Thank God.
BREAKING NEWS: Jay Carney met an obedient White House Press Corps this morning. The dutiful press corps was all prim and proper with their backs straight, feet flat on the floor, hands in their laps, and lips zipped. Carney looked like he was suffering from various intestinal and digestive ailments as he handed out a statement claiming Ryan will be a serial killer of senior citizens if elected.
The press obediently filed Carney’s report.
Peter V. Bella is a retired Chicago Police Officer, freelance journalist and photojournalist, cook, and raconteur. He likes to be the irreverent sharp stick that pokes, prods, and annoys. His opinions are his and his alone. Mr. Bella is a member of the National Press Photographers Association and the Society for Professional Journalists.
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