NORTHFIELD, Mn (4-25-11) – Bright and early on a Monday morning, my spouse received a call from Human Resources. “Please stop down to our office immediately “says his colleague. After a long walk down the hall to HR, the message from the HR Director was clear. “Your division will be eliminated; tomorrow will be your last day” he said. Layoff!
Shortly afterward, I got the phone call with the news from my spouse. My morning chore list lost its urgency. Like thousands of others before us, unemployment became a new reality for our household. As the spouse of the newly-laid off-partner, I had no experience to fall back on.
So, what did I do?
First, I asked other spouses to share their experiences - survival tips for the newly initiated.
Spouses were quite forthright. Several very useful concepts were shared, including:
- Focus on the emotional aspect. Initially, don’t over focus on the monetary aspect. One woman told me she immediately went to work on the family budget. While she learned about the gap between family income and expenses, her spouse grew more anxious. If she had to do it over again, she would spend more time listening and less time running numbers.
- Take the long-term view. In our case, this meant recognizing twenty-five years of continuous employment in four major roles. This was the first job disruption. That ‘batting average” is quite high, for any game.
- Support and don’t nag. One woman told me that she asked a lot of questions of her unemployed spouse. Her intent was to show her caring and support, when she would ask him, "How are you doing?" However, it came across as nagging. Finally, her spouse told her, “Could you add an ‘a’ to pry?” Ah, she said, “You want me to pray, not pry?”
Next, I decided to proactively manage my own emotional reactions related to unemployment. Some of the things I did include:
- Regular exercise. With a group of regulars, I had the double benefit of serotonin with social support.
- Find information. This included practical matters like how to apply for unemployment insurance, putting together a resume, etc. It also included information from professionals.
- Self-diagnose using the stages of grief. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
- Seek full-time employment myself. Having intentionally left unemployment for self-employment, I revisited the possibility that I would need to get a regular job.
- Search on-line for tips from other spouses. I found relatively few heartfelt stories from spouses of unemployed partners. There's probably more available than I could easily find.
This story highlights what I learned from others, plus ways to manage emotional reactions. Please comment and share resources you have found valuable from personal experience or writing.
Please Comment: What tips do you have for spouses of those who have been laid off? Resource links?
Read more from Donna Rae Scheffert at Online-Leadership-Tools. She can also be found on LinkedIn and Twitter.
Photo Credit: aflcio at flickr
-cl- 4/26/11
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