LOS ANGELES, December 27, 2012 — As 2012 ends, one truism outlasts time. When a political crisis gets out of hand, find a PBWG.
PBWGs (Powerful Bald White Guys) run the world. We should all know who they are, and so we bring you a list of the Top Ten PBWGs of 2012.
For the uninitiated, PBWGs are often found on various “Law and Order” franchises. The seriousness of the crime is determined by the number of PBWGs barking orders.
PBWG Level 1 has the police chief yelling “One Police Plaza is all over my @ss!”
PBWG Level 2 has the top policeman showing up with all his medals pinned to his chest yelling “The Mayor is all over my @ss,” and other authoritative phrases like “If you screw the pooch on this one, just remember that the cr@p rolls down hill!”
PBWG Level 3 means all heck is breaking loose. Things get kicked up to either Fred Thompson (DA Arthur Branch) or Tom Everett Scott (Governor Donald Shalvoy, an Eliot Spitzer clone).
People trust PBWGs because they look like reassuring, competent people who can handle things. The original PBWG as Reassurer-in-Chief would probably be President Dwight Eisenhower.
President George W. Bush needed to convince America that a stimulus package was necessary. Enter Hank Paulson.
President Obama needed to handle insurance claims after the oil spill. He found Ken Feinberg, who looked like a claims adjuster.
For 2012, several deserving nominees did not make the list.
Steven Barnes and Blair Hendrix are Managing Directors at Bain Capital Private Equity. Had Governor Mitt Romney won the White House, they would have ruled globally. Instead they have to settle for earning billions.
Larry Hagman departed earth recently. One of the finest actors in television history, the 2012 version of “Dallas” did the original proud.
Yet the original J.R. Ewing had perfect hair under his ten gallon hat. That is how J.R. deserves to be remembered.
Brian Gould is a Special Forces Master Sgt. He operates in the shadows, so pictures of him with or without hair should be destroyed.
Richard H. Anderson is CEO of Delta Airlines. On the airplane video that every passenger is forced to endure, Anderson mentions the honor of sitting at Delta founder C.E. Woolman’s desk.
He may not sit there for long unless the stock price rises.
With that, we arrive at the list of the Top 10 PBWGs of 2012.
10.) Francois Hollande.
Hollande defeated Nicholas Sarkozy to become President of France. Mr. Hollande’s first opus was to reverse austerity and embrace multiculturalism. Vive le suicide!
Even the most boring PBWGs can romance hot women, with Segolene Royale and her successor as evidence.
He would rank higher if France were remotely relevant. With Hollande at the helm, we can rest assured that it never again will be.
9.) Randal O’Toole/Daniel Hannan.
The former is a Senior Fellow at the Cato Institute.
The latter is the only useful British member of Parliament.
As the fiscal cliff approaches, these men are lonely ripples of sanity moving across an ocean of lunatics who see more spending as the cure to crushing debt.
8.) William Dunkelberg.
The President of the National Federation of Independent Businesses represents ordinary small business owners buried under crushing regulations, including Obamacare.
President Obama’s reelection prevents Dunkelberg from ranking higher. Yet the Obamacare battle rages, and Dunkelberg is not backing down.
7.) Rick Scott/Jerry Brown.
The Governors of Florida and California both have solid working majorities. Mr. Scott is conservative and Mr. Brown is a leftist.
Americans are fleeing California for places like Florida, but both these men have almost unilateral power to implement their agendas.
They disagree on state healthcare exchanges, and the results will soon be there to be analyzed.
6.) Dan Cathy/Frank Van Der Sloot.
The former is the COO Chick-fil-A, which makes tasty chicken sandwiches. The latter runs Melaleuca, which makes wellness products.
The Obama administration harassed them for being wealthy conservatives participating legally in the political process.
They disagree with Obama, so he despises them.
They refused to be bullied, and the bully for now backed down.
5.) Malcolm Hoenline.
The Executive Vice Chairman of the Conference of Major American Jewish Organizations advocates for Israel. His inclusion on the list should excite those who believe everything is a Jewish conspiracy.
Now anti-Semites will finally know the man they can blame for their bigoted views. Those belonging to minor Jewish organizations are not at his level.
4.) Ben Bernanke.
Ron Paul (who has perfect hair) supporters hate the Federal Reserve Chairman and want to abolish his existence.
Mr. Bernanke is so powerful that despite plenty of detractors and no supporters, he remains employed. His security stems from nobody knowing who he is or what he actually does.
Appearing “boring” creates more power.
3.) The Goldman Sachs Cabal.
Hank Paulson and Jon Corzine each used to be the GS CEO, the most powerful acronym in finance history. Lloyd Blankfein is the current GS CEO. Gary Gensler runs the CFTC.
His job is to enforce commodities regulations while exempting Goldman Sachs from rules and laws forever. While America will never see their true financial records, at least these men are not hiding actual dead bodies.
That keeps them out of the top spot this year.
2.) James Clapper.
The Director of National Intelligence (DNI) is entrusted with making sure that Americans never discover the truth about Benghazi, and why four Americans including an American ambassador were murdered in Libya.
Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Susan Rice are all minorities, making any criticism of them racist or sexist. Scrutiny would fall on Clapper, but one becomes DNI by being above accountability.
1.) David Axelrod.
Obama’s political advisor and consultant got President Obama reelected despite a collapsing economy and a burning world. He took colossal failure and convinced just enough people that everything was somebody else’s fault.
Now he quietly helps President Valerie Jarrett run the country while allowing Obama to enjoy vacations sans any actual governing responsibilities.
Mr. Axelrod could sell ice to Eskimos and repackage cubic zirconia as real diamonds. We know this because he just did. His power could uncover truth from DNIs or GS CEOs if he wanted.
Only the Top PBWG of 2012 can.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
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