LOS ANGELES, December 30, 2013—Facial hair is making a comeback. The neat look is so 1980s. The scraggly look is back in, although without the drugs and terrible music that poisoned the 1990s grunge era. Phrenology once ascribed bad societal seeds to facial hair. Finally, America has seen an influx of bearded fellows as the good guys.
Here is a list of the top 10 bearded guys of 2013.
Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Charles Manson and other terrorists are ineligible. Killers should not be glorified. Christian Bale’s bearded glory was in 2012. Dom DeLuise is gone, but never forgotten. There are no women on this list. Call it sexist, but women with beards are simply not attractive.
The 2013 Boston Red Sox won World Series rings, but just missed the razor’s cut of this list. They were not originals. Playoff beards have been around for awhile, and nobody can replace the scraggly 1993 Phillies despite Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams and John Kruk losing in six games to a bunch of well-coiffed Canuckers.
With that, the top 10 bearded guys of 2013 are revealed.
10) The Amish—They do 50% more than the rest of us. They have fallen off the radar since Bill Murray made the Amish bowling movie “Kingpin,” but they are still part of the American fabric (woven by hand).
9) Brett Kiesel—This Pittsburgh Steelers player shaves his beard off from time to time and donates the proceeds to charity.
8) Santa Claus—Activists are arguing over his race. Next year other activists will insist he is a lesbian. He could be an anti-Semite for skipping Jewish houses. Who cares? He gets the job done, and delivers presents with much better efficiency than clean-shaven Post Office workers.
7) Jeff Fisher—The head coach of the St. Louis Rams also sports a sleek pair of shades to complement his grizzled face.
6) James Harden—This Houston Rockets star was a valuable sixth man for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Now he is in the sixth man position on this list. He is neither Amish or Orthodox Jewish, although both communities should be happy to adopt him.
5) Chabad Rabbis—These guys can out-drink and out-dance anybody, and their annual telethon raises millions of dollars to combat drug addiction and homelessness. They are Jewish, proud of it, and proof that even religion can occasionally be organized and effective as well as spiritually nourishing.
4) Robin Williams—This is more of a lifetime achievement award. The funniest comedian of all time is also the furriest.
3) The most interesting man in the world—The Dos Equis Guy would have been number one except he has been around for several years now. His ranking this high is a testament to his staying power. When you are that interesting, people notice. Stay thirsty, my friends.
2) Duck Dynasty—Dad Robert, sons Jase and Willie, and crazy Uncle Si became millionaires long before they became celebrities. They invented successful duck calls, cling to their guns and bibles, and represent the best of America. They are the culture. Their Hollywood critics are the counter-culture.
So how could these guys possibly not be number one?
Because the Duck Dynasty guys pay homage to the guys who are.
The Robertsons are phenomenal, but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
1) ZZ Top—The Robertsons have been doing it for a few years. ZZ-Top have been doing it for a few decades. Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill brought America classics such as “Legs,” “Gimme all your loving’,” and “Sleeping Bag.” Their hit “Sharp Dressed Man” is the theme music for Duck Dynasty, leaving no doubt as to who the originals are. Ironically, the third band member is Frank Beard, yet he does not sport one.
Fear the beard! Happy 2013!
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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