SAN FRANCSICO, April 16, 2012 — Ron Paul Says He Won’t Quit Race, headlines the San Francisco Chronicle
“We’ve got Mitt Romney right where we want him,” GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters yesterday. “He’s become incredibly overconfident, which we plan to exploit in the closing months of the race. He can easily be overtaken.”
The Paul strategy includes the likelihood that Romney may stumble badly, possibly as he mounts the steps of the platform in Tampa to accept the Republican nomination.
If not that, Paul’s aides predict that Romney is likely to make enough horrendous gaffes to force him to withdraw from the campaign.
“There are four months until the convention in August,” notes Paul campaign aide Harvey Spinmeister, “which allows plenty of time for Romney to put his foot in his mouth several more times. We ran the numbers and it works out to about five really stupid statements per month, more than enough to knock him off.”
Paul’s camp is also discounting the tally of delegates that Romney has already won, half of the needed number to be nominated. “Our staff gets a totally different number,” said Spinmeister. “They gave Guam one too many delegates.”
Should a delegate recount fail, Paul is counting on a scandal to rock the Romney campaign. “We have been privy to some information that Romney may not have been born in the United States, but we can’t release it just yet.”
Rick Santorum, who suspended his campaign this week, said, “I’ve been waiting for Mitt to endorse me, but I guess that’s not likely to happen.” Despite Santorum’s withdrawal, Washington insiders suspect he may just be playing it close to the sweater vest. “Even though I’m not officially in the race, if I can still pull out a big write-in win in South Dakota, it could rejuvenate my campaign and carry us all the way to Tampa.”
Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich is pooh-poohing concerns that his campaign is out of money, despite what his major financial backer, Sheldon Adelson, said recently when he suggested it may be time for Gingrich to throw in the towel, if one is available. Gingrich has vowed to fight on until — or even after — the convention, which he feels certain will be a brokered event that he can win handily.
Mitt Romney during national anthem at Red Sox game AP
“OK, Romney’s got a lot of delegates, I grant you that, but big deal! So did Robert Taft when he lost the nomination to Eisenhower in `48. And I needn’t remind you what happened in 1924 when John W. Davis beat out Alfred E. Smith in that hotly contested Democratic convention.
It could happen again. Romney has the delegates — right now — but I’ve got all the historical facts on my side. Don’t forget that.”
Asked to respond to the fact that most of his aides and advisers have departed, Gingrich said, “Hey, not a problem. This race is not about them, it’s about me. As far as I’m concerned, the fewer aides the better. It just makes my campaign leaner and meaner.”
Gingrich noted that he has attracted excited crowds of upwards of 20 at recent campaign stops at Dairy Queens in Oxnard and Colusa, Calif. “These are the folks that most matter,” said Gingrich. “Oh, sure, it’s nice to draw tens of thousands of people, but the smaller crowds we get are made up of community opinion makers, which energizes me.”
He added, “I don’t write off these smaller gatherings. My campaign has always appealed to good, clean-living, clear-minded folks in what the elites like to think of as Podunks. To me, it’s all of the Podunks that make America what it is and which, in the end, will elect me president. You can have your Chicago and Los Angeles and New York. Give me the burgs and boonies any day.”
Meanwhile, Rick Perry, Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann are said to be considering jumping back into the race, inspired by Gingrich and Paul’s low numbers. “This was my tactic all along,” chuckled Perry. “I wanted to wait until the field was thinned before stepping back in, which should greatly increase my chances. This has all worked out exactly as I’d planned.”
Gerald Nachman is the author of several humor and entertainment books, most recently Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America, Seriously Funny: The Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s, and Raised on Radio about the golden age of radio. For years Nachman was a critic and syndicated columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle and the New York Daily News.
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