How do we live if the government is shut down?

How will we ever survive! Photo: wikimedia

WASHINGTON, October 10, 2013 – We are now in day 10 of the government shutdown, as widespread panic, looting, rioting, and acts of cannibalism have been reported around the country. Americans everywhere are fearing for their lives and begging Congress and the President to sit down and make a deal to open the government. However, both parties remain intransigent.

All over the country, people are feeling the absence of the presence of the federal government and the warmth and protection they have provided in the past. Now without that cozy blanket of protection, many feel as though they are left huddling in the cold dark world of an anarchist winter.

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Not a single person in the country has gone a day without feeling the loss of the most important thing in their lives, the strong central government which has been there to protect and provide for them every day of their existence.

The government has taken steps to protect its national assets against the anarchists. Because funding has been ripped away from the National Parks, the Parks Service has doubled patrols and sealed off entrances with gates to deter those errant and malicious anarchists on their daily constitutionals and camping trips. Just the other day, it was reported that a great gray wave of aged attackers swept passed the gallant guards at the WWII Memorial in DC and did trillions of dollars in damage after lengthy shuffles about the monument. Several Park Rangers were hospitalized after lengthy cheek pinchings. Consequently, to deter future attacks the government has announced that it will no longer be funding photosynthesis in their national parks in an effort to stop alluring grass and trees from growing. In addition the federal government has paid sculptures to make the four presidents atop Mt. Rushmore to look like they are sleeping, so people won’t want to bother them.

But the anarchists are not stopping at simply visiting National Parks, they have gone on to take on roles that the federal government traditionally plays in peoples everyday lives, and even ignoring rules and regulations put in place for their safety and greater good. In Washington DC, a rebellious anarchist had the audacity to mow the lawn around the Abraham Lincoln Memorial. Has he no shame? It is the government’s responsibility to use tax payer money to mow that lawn. The man has no right doing it on his free time without compensation. How did the lawn mower even work anyway? The government stopped funding to lawn mowers last Wednesday, how did he even start the mower? And with the government ban on photosynthesis how was it that the grass was able to grow in the first place?

 In small business, Americans are feeling the pinch everywhere. The price of beer has gone up to $702 nationwide, even after the government shut down funding for the satisfaction beer brings to everyone in their “Make Everything Terrible” initiative. Some businesses, such as restaurants, who are technically on federal land have somehow managed to remain open! And people still go, it’s amazing considering that with the government shut down all food tastes bad. It defies logic.

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Then there are the anarchists who are living on federal land that the Park Service has courageously kicked out of their homes. In daring raids, green jacketed storm troopers bravely executed eviction notices at Lake Meade in Nevada, coming under heavy nothing from an elderly anarchist couple with nothing to lose. Some families have even defied the federal government and stayed in their homes! How can they live in those homes with the government shut down? Don’t they know that the government hasn’t funded freedom on federal land yet? Anarchists!

It does not stop with defying the federal government by cutting lawns or living in your own house. Recently it was reported that a thoughtless and heartless foundation, regardless of the feelings and emotions of the federal government, have donated the money necessary to cover death benefits for fallen servicemen and women. How is this even possible? The death benefits amount to $100,000 for the families of the fallen, how do people have that much money to just give away? With the government shut down it is illegal to be charitable without taxes, and if they have enough money to cover the death benefits perhaps they are too rich and should be taxed more. The idea that direct private donations covered by a private foundation which collects funds from willing donors is ludicrous in the extreme, and stinks of anarchy.

It is pure anarchy out there. People have gone 10 days without the warm embrace of the federal government. Grass cannot grow, concrete has lost its structural integrity, and bands of elderly combat veterans have invaded our nation’s monuments. If something is not done soon, the American people will begin doubting the federal government, and when that happens the entire world will plunge into an anarchist abyss. Without the federal government, how do people live?

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Conor Higgins

Conor Higgins has a B.A. from Catholic University in DC in American History, with a concentration on guerrilla warfare on American soil. He has an M.A. in US History from George Mason University in Fairfax, VA, with a concentration on Cold War insurgency. He believes that all news and all information should be taken with a grain of salt, and implores people everywhere to seek news stories everywhere. 

Higgins is also a fervent believer in the traditional role of media, in terms of acting as a balanced check on government policies and individuals regardless of party affiliation. But in the end, he believes that no matter how heated an issue is, there is nothing that can't be discussed over a smoke and some whiskey. 

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