LOS ANGELES, March 10, 2013—On March 4, 2013, dastardly oil baron J.R. Ewing finally met his maker. Or so we think. Over the last three decades he has been shot several times by numerous people and faked his own death at least once. The man has several slugs in him, and not all of them are bourbon. With the death from cancer of legendary actor Larry Hagman, the sad assurance that “this time it’s final” means exactly that.
Last year an ailing Bobby told his older brother “No one lives forever, J.R.” That’s true in a way, but he’s only partially right when it comes to TV. Thanks to technology, episodes of “Dallas” will last forever. As for now, the only thing to do is give J.R. Ewing a proper sendoff.
While every other “Dallas” subplot pales in comparison with this episode, a quick recap is sufficient:
Bobby’s wife, Annie Ewing, was sentenced to probation for killing her ex-husband Harris Ryland. Harris lost all the way around as he rejected his domineering mother and saw his daughter Emma choose to stay with Annie.
John Ross and Sue Ellen managed to get Elena’s share of Ewing Energies after Elena’s brother Drew was arrested, triggering a morals clause in the contract. John Ross and Sue Ellen control 25% of the firm each while Bobby and Christopher together only control 40%. That leaves Cliff’s daughter Pamela Barnes as the 10% swing vote. Despite her siding with her boyfriend John Ross on most issues to give them a 60-40 advantage, she supported Christopher’s methane project to produce a 50-50 deadlock. Christopher is trying to cancel the oil leases to harm John Ross.
Yet everything stops around Dallas when J.R. is shot and killed, either in Dallas, Abu Dabi, Las Vegas, or somewhere else. Ted Shackelford returned last week as Gary Ewing. This week sees Charlene Tilton return as Gary’s daughter Lucy. Ray Kanaly comes back as Ewing half-brother Ray Krebbs. Deborah Shelton reprises her role as longtime J.R. Ewing mistress Mandy Winger. Other unannounced guest stars are being kept on lockdown.
Thirty-two years ago, we learned that Sue Ellen’s sister and J.R. paramour Kristin Shepherd shot J.R.. A few years later Sue Ellen did it herself.
This time around, we will find out who did it soon enough. J.R. Ewing promised us all before he died that he was working on his “final masterpiece.” Now it is up to Executive Producer Cynthia Cidre to make that happen.
As J.R. told Frank Kashani just before Kashani took his own life, “I’m J.R. Ewing. I can make a body appear and disappear wherever and whenever I want.”
Now we will know how he or his killer accomplish this one more time.
Get ready for the biggest funeral in the history of Southfork Ranch. This is Season 2, Episode 8 of the new “Dallas.”
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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