WASHINGTON, March 23, 2013 — We hear the cliches and try to force ourselves to believe them.
“You’re as old as you feel.”
“Age is just a number.”
“Love matters most.”
Sadly, these sentiments are untrue.
We are as old as we are, and time is crueler than any mistress.
The Toby Keith song “I ain’t as good as I once was” sums it up, as does the Bruce Springsteen classic “Glory Days.”
In the real world of dating for marriage, age matters. A pair of situations had me lamenting this.
As a teenager, my list of most beautiful women in the world always included Deborah Shelton, who played Mandy Winger on “Dallas.”
She was Miss America, and the first runner up to Miss Universe. Like many women, she only got more gorgeous with age. After a couple decades off of my radar, she showed up on the new Dallas. She still looks amazing.
She is 64.
This is where a man is tempted to make the face a child makes when drinking grapefruit juice. Men are not supposed to be attracted to women old enough to be their mothers.
Is there a Deborah Shelton exemption?
Ask Neil Cavuto. The normally unflappable Fox News anchor could barely contain himself interviewing beauty queen Racquel Welch. She is 70, but still looks “hot.” Joan Collins looked amazing well into her older years and Elizabeth Taylor milked her beauty and violet eyes for decades.
Yet where does one draw the line? My age is 41. Finding even Miss Universe “sexy” at age 64 just seems wrong. Even by cougar and cub standards it’s a stretch.
Now flip in the other direction. A stunning brunette is in full command of the dance floor. There may be one thousand people in the club, but my eyes are only in her direction. A female friend of mine saw it in my eyes and goaded me.
“Go talk to her.”
How does a man avoid perfection in a bottle?
After making avoidance excuses all night, it was time for me to leave the club. I made my move. Even rejection would be bearable because I was leaving anyway. In a stunning turn of events, she saw me and liked my hat. Hey, whatever accidentally works.
We danced for more than one but less than two minutes. She may have been drunk. She may have had a boyfriend. Who cares? Dancing with the hottest girl in the club is always a good thing…except….
She was still in college. Ugh. If she used a fake I.D., I was near felony territory. I will tell myself she was 21. I have had many women in the last couple years tell me they thought I was in my twenties. Years of “clean living” are good for something I guess.
Yet looking 27 is not the same as being 27. 41 is the truth, which is what I go by. Hugh Hefner with his money is still a shell of what he was. Without the millions, the ridicule would come to the guy’s face and not just behind his back.
If I had a daughter who at 21 danced with a 41-year-old guy, my instinct would be to deck the guy and lock her in her room. Worse, if the girl on the dance floor knew my age, she would probably be making the grapefruit juice face. I never want to be “that guy.”
My guess is she will not remember the evening and never think about me ever again. This is better than her being “creeped out” by “some old guy.” Yet so many women have no idea of the impact they make on total strangers just by being them.
Yes, life is meant to be lived, but fantasyland is not the way to build a stable life. Neither Deborah Shelton at 64 or the girl in the club at 21 is the right potential wife for this 41 year old man.
Age is not just a number. It is tread on the tires. It is a real metric.
It is what it is.
People need to “act their age,” and that starts with the man in the mirror.
Relationships are tough, and throwing in extra variables like race, religion, and age gaps take difficult situations and move them closer to impossible.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free.
Republican Jewish Brunettes may follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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