SACRAMENTO, June 16, 2013 — In the world of real estate, the common maxim is location, location, location. Women are not property, but the truism remains the same. One cannot romance what does not exist. My journey to North Dakota found many lovely human beings.
Yet those wishing to meet a nice Jewish girl may not want to give up on New York or Los Angeles so easily.
In the original “Karate Kid,” Mr. Miyagi taught Danielson that a “man who (can) catch (a) fly with chopsticks (can) accomplish anything.” Mr. Miyagi never tried to date Jewish in North Dakota.
The first approach upon landing in the beautiful city of Fargo was to check out the local synagogues. In Los Angeles this means sifting through hundreds of pages and denominations.
In North Dakota, there are precisely three synagogues. Grand Forks has a Jewish temple. Luckily, Fargo has two. In addition to Temple Beth El, Chabad now has a presence.
If there is one Jew anywhere in the world, Chabad will find them.
A building does not mean a congregation, and building an infrastructure takes time. Rabbi Yonah Grossman was sent to Fargo, and once he builds it, the Jews will come.
Unless of course they don’t.
Some people may think that trying to find a soulmate requires as much luck as striking oil, but this could not be further from the truth. North Dakota struck plenty of oil. The oil gushed, but Jewish women nationwide did not.
Fargo and Grand Forks are both in the Eastern part of the state. Williston in Western North Dakota is where the big oil boom is taking place. This means if somebody were hypothetically looking for a Jewish roughneck girl for a hot and sexy oil rig fantasy date, they would be better off searching for golden unicorns with a metal detector.
Until then, the next step is internet dating.
JDate is the main site for Jewish dating. In Los Angeles, this means scrolling through hundreds if not thousands of profiles. North Dakota has one area code for the entire state.
After searching for every Jewish profile under area code 701, exactly three women came up.
One of them was not Jewish. She just liked Jewish guys. Of the remaining two women to choose from, one was a Japanese girl who converted to the Jewish faith. The other one was from Madrid.
So if a guy did not click with one of them, there was always the other one.
Before one could celebrate the bountiful result of internet harvesting, their profiles showed that they had not logged in for several weeks. This most likely meant that they searched for Jewish men in North Dakota once, and never logged in again.
My search of JDate women in North Dakota had now been reduced all the way from three to zero.
My last option came down to conversion. There are plenty of lovely Christian women in North Dakota. If one of them would give up Jesus and stick to the Old Testament, my search would be a total success. There were two problems with this approach.
For one thing, Judaism forbids proselytizing. People must convert of their own volition without any sales pitch from current members of the faith. Also, it is tough to sell people on being a part of a religion in a state where there are very few temples and a tiny number of members. Everybody wants to be part of a winning team, and in North Dakota that appears to be the various sects of Christianity.
The one thing Americans are taught is to never give up. So my search for Jewish women would remain undaunted. Persistence would guide me forever, or until my three day stay in Fargo was complete.
72 hours passed, and my flight out of the great state of North Dakota occurred sans girlfriend.
While some may view this adventure as a failure, a better euphemism would be to call it a tie for the best results anybody has ever achieved in that state. After all, nobody else has had luck with Jewish dating in North Dakota either.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free.
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